Saturday, August 15, 2009
WATCHED LADY GAGA LIVE THREE DAYS AGO! :D
as usual, we (mother, bros and i, dad thought gym was a priority over lady gaga lol) were late, thanks to my mother's patients who came in late and insisted that they should be seen :(
but thank God the thing started about 1hr 20mins later! she started the concert with 'paparazzi', with her crazy costumes and dancing. might i add that i was very impressed by her singing? SHE'S SO GOOD LIVE. :D
hahahaha and soooo vulgar, i shall tell you all when we're online or whenever i see you, can't be bothered to list down the whole thing here, lol.
she sang about ten out of twelve songs on her albums, and i was glad that i listened to the whole album before or else i wouldn't know the songs!
the last song was my faaaav. first she did an acoustic version of 'poker face' on her piano (a bubble one -__-) and did it very slowly, singing nonsense like 'sing sing singapore, i love chilli crab' in between. i was slightly disappointed cos i love the normal version of poker face, but suddenly after the whole song being played on piano the 'ma-ma-ma-ma' started and she sang the actual version and started dancing with her dancers :D
no encore, but obviously not! she only has one album out, what other songs can she sing? anyway fort canning was bloooody hot (which she pointed out herself, after a costume change she announced that she just 'took a fucking shower because it's so hot!') and i managed to get a lady gaga shirt :D
the next night was keane, but i didn't go cos i don't really know their songs, though i heard they were fabulous and the lead singer was drenched with sweat. fort canning is such a bad place for concerts -_-
anyway i've decided to stop blogging really stupidly emotional posts for now. i've been depressed and down for the better part of this year, and i have begun to realise that life is just too damn short to always get depressed over the most retarded things. seriously, sometimes i look back on things that brought me down before and i realise how absolutely trivial they were.
and i'm proud to announce here that i'm over that 'problem' that i had. it doesn't matter if the bad people in the world don't apologise. they have the burden of sins on their shoulders, they have to face God. i've got nothing to worry about and my conscience is clear.
i couldn't have done it without a friend i suppose. it doesn't matter if it was a lie or not. because 1) it was done out of a good intention, lie or not
2)she knows this thing almost drove me off the edge and wanted to help me get over it and have closure
3) i've come to realise boys are extremely immature. not stereotyping everyone of them but they are in general. either that, or they're quite stupid when it comes to emotions. or both. so i'd rather them be clueless than think they're righteous when they're wrong.
(shall tell you guys more when i meet you or if you're online)
okay that was the last time that whole issue is ever going to be mentioned here. the point is, now, i leave my fate in God's hands, whatever happens, happens, and whatever i want which doesn't happen wasn't meant to be in the first place. any problem that i have is surely a test, because what is life without tests? just as long as i know that i tried my best in every possible way, it shouldn't matter to me.
lol that whole paragraph sums up my life motto o_o
anyway, today, or rather yesterday (for it is 3am now) was friday, and i usually work on fridays.
for the previous fridays i have to admit i was very lazy. the worst possible dental assistant alive. i didn't do much but stand around, i ate, drank and went to the toilet as and when i wanted, and i always requested to go home early (to take a nap).
however yesterday was different. i actually did work, i learnt a lot more than i did the previous fridays, and i took less breaks. this might not sound like what you expect but dentistry is actually very interesting. i now know what happens during braces cases, root canals, crowning, wisdom teeth extractions (the most bloody ones) , gum lasering etc.
i just hope i gathered enough work experience before i go for any interview :/
i seriously want to get into kings' college london because it's probably the university with the best dental faculty. i don't mind any other universities that i've chosen with my parents too. just as long as i get into the dental faculty!
but if i don't get into that faculty, just as my mother who 'from young knew she wanted medicine' did not get it, like what i said above it's God's will. or perhaps even a blessing in disguise. i don't know, i just try to go down that path, if it's not meant to be there's nothing i can do about it but accept it.
Lastly, today at about 12am i watched the movie 'Up' in 3D. it is REALLY good, very touching, heartwarming and sad. and the best thing about it is that the plot is so unconventional!!!! :D it's something only unconventional writers like neil gaiman can think about, though it wasn't written by neil gaiman. MUST WATCH! my second favourite cartoon movie to 'find nemo'.
okay then, i have to sleep now. gym tomorrow morning. do pray for me, results are in five days' time :/
twisting beside myself @3:21 AM
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
it's been a long time since i've blogged properly.
i've recently bought myself a diary, so i suppose i don't see the need to blog anymore. i don't know if i should abandon this blog ; i always go to my blog on my father's laptop and on the 'popular' websites it's listed, and the last thing i want is for everyone in my family to read my thoughts.
but to be honest the term 'online diary' is in itself a contradiction - why publicise your personal thoughts for the whole world to read?
thus, i resort to the diary now. i don't think i'll abandon this blog, maybe post small updates up. everything else goes into the book.
you know, it just seems that many times people focus on stupid nitty-gritty details that the whole big picture becomes irrelevant and even stupid. but that's not the case at all. i'm not talking about anyone in particular, i'm referring to the things i've seen and observed.
forgive me if i seem like a changed person. i don't really think i am. i'm still perhaps the same at my core,although slightly more bitter, but a bit rougher at the edges.
and i'd like to thank God for giving me the privilege of me studying abroad because it opened up my eyes - a
lot.
twisting beside myself @1:42 AM
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Lol, i am sooo amused.
I went to youtube and searched for Khalid Yasin's videos, and got directed to other kinds of videos such as Muslim converts in America and the west, and after watching the videos i looked at the comments, and what'd ya know, stupid blasphemy comments.
Some guy said religion is for retards, and i replied saying he's a sad soul as he has nothing to live for and no purpose in life if he doesn't have a religion.
and in another video some person was saying as a comment how he read the Quran and think it was 'wishful thinking by Muhammad' and that 'what kind of god would want boring submission, when god actually likes freedom, enjoyment and creativity'. and the most amusing part was him stating that 'we ARE god'.
then i replied that saying something along the lines of 'we ARE god? seriously? so we created the universe, earth, mountains and oceans?' and i added something underneath that which i can't really remember.
can't stand disrespectful people like this. it's up to them if they don't want to believe it, but don't hurl unnecessary negative comments at Muslims.
anyway a few things have been making me rather upset lately.
i just don't understand what some people hope to achieve by putting others down deliberately. especially when they think it's funny, when it really isn't. it's sickening. it's repulsive.
so what do they hope to achieve? do they want to make themselves feel better by insulting everyone? are they
that insecure?
do they seek pleasure by saying things like that?
or are they just so blissfully ignorant about the fact that they are hurting and offending people?
doesn't it plaque their conscience (if they have one) a
tiny bit?
it seriously makes me wonder.
and i'm saying this, despite being oh i don't know, more than 2 decades younger than them.
-_-
anyway i consulted my parents about it, and they said i should assert my rights. answer back in a non-rude way (which they will obviously perceive as rude, just because i stopped them from saying any more hurtful things).
something like, "Why do you have to be so offensive all the time?"
and another thing, i'm sick of all these "oh i'm so rich and i've got a good job and so i can treat everybody like crap" kinds of people.
it's bloody vomit-inducing. i'm not very religious but i know well enough that
NOTHING i have is mine, it's all from God. So why the arrogance? and why the double standards?
just because i'm not your daughter doesn't mean you can treat me like shit. i bet if one of my parents said something similar to the one that YOU love, you'd OBVIOUSLY have a go at them.
but of course, i don't belong to his perfect family, and so i'm of a low standard, and therefore it gives him the right to treat me that way.
i swear to God. the nerve of some people.
and yes, once again, i'm about 2 decades younger than this person.
i'm beginning to think age is nothing more than a number.
and all of these things made me realise something - i think i'm a pushover. i've been told before. i'm spineless and i don't know how to stand up for myself.
well not anymore. i'm done taking the shit people (like the ones i mentioned above) throw at my face and licking it. it's time to throw it back.
i'm not saying i'm going to be a bad person, or that i'm going to be rude to everyone. i won't.
but at the same time i won't let anyone say or do whatever they want to hurt me, and not retort back. it's going to take some practice but i've made my decision - i'm going to be assertive for my rights from now on to ANYONE.
because it's a sad fact of the world - show people that you're too nice, and they step all over you. i've had enough and the people i mentioned above have confirmed it for me.
twisting beside myself @5:53 PM
Sunday, July 26, 2009
i've been listening to a couple of religious lectures lately, done by a man known as Khalid Yasin. i think he's a reaaallllyyyy good speaker, not preachy but educating.
if anybody wants i can lend you the dvds.
i don't know, i guess it just struck me that my religious knowledge is very shallow, and it's certainly not something i'm proud of. i think i have even forgotten most of the prophet stories.
And i feel so torn apart. That's the best way to describe it. one minute you're watching these lectures in awe - listening to the Imam speak of the truth and give you solutions to go there, and then the next you're faced with reality and you realise it's not easy at all. i mean i obviously want to become a better Muslim but i just don't feel like i have the strength to sacrifice it all just yet.
but i'm slowly learning, i suppose. anyway a few things which i've learnt from the lectures -
1) everywhere you go, whatever you do, have fear of God. Be God-conscious. that way it will prevent you from doing bad deeds.
2) but it's not the end if you do a bad deed, you can sort of compensate for it with a good deed, and that way it will be wiped out.
3) One very good thing about Islam is that everything in it has to be done in moderation. Excessive things - money, clothes, food etc is bad for you, and therefore the best way is in moderation.
... haha okay that's all i can remember for now. shall watch more and then maybe write it here.
this sounds random but i am so not looking forward to going back to london. i just realised to make the least mistakes as possible when it comes to bitchy people in the school, or to just avoid it all, is to keep quiet. Be subdued. and that is really not what i am but i don't want anything to distract me or hurt me as it has this year. by being really introverted and keeping to myself, i think that it will be the safest way. i'm just not too thrilled at the prospect of doing that.
twisting beside myself @1:25 PM
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
You know.
For once in my life, i actually can't find something big to look forward to.
twisting beside myself @12:28 AM
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
GUYS PLEASE COME ON MSN IF YOU CAN I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.i'll also try because my parents and brother are in london and we go out most of the time.
but my feelings have been too..
intense to contain these past few days. i think only you guys will understand ):
twisting beside myself @5:29 PM
Thursday, June 11, 2009
This is something which has just been lingering at the back of my mind for a while.
Things i want in a guy : (in no particular order of importance, except of course the first one)
1)
Practicing Muslim2) Loves and cares for me unconditionally
3) Accepts me the way i am
4) More intelligent than me
5) Taller (lol)
6) Sweet
7) Sincere
8) Understanding
9) Sensitive to my feelings
10)
Is not a jerk
*11)
Emotional
12) Able to listen to me when i'm down
*13)
Not apathetic14) Texts/ Calls me first
15) Respects me
Of course I'm not the kind who eliminates guys from my life just because they don't fulfill those criteria. If i want them to be accepting, it has to be a quality on both parties. Anyway there's no criteria in love. I believe it transcends everything. If you really love someone, you'd
do anything to make it work with them.
It's just that after one heartbreak over a matter that most would consider trivial, i wouldn't want to risk another one, knowing my own fragile nature.
So before stepping into something or taking a huge risk next time (and this applies to everything in my life), i'd like to make
damn sure what i'm getting myself into.
This reminds me of what praj told me on msn recently, when we were talking about kutu. She said something along the lines of 'You don't know how to handle situations like this because you have always been so sheltered'. (Yes, she's
that brash, and yes, i'm used to it, so i don't get hurt anymore -_-)
But maybe... There's some truth in her words. Because i realise that when i get hurt i make sure nothing else can hurt me the same way again, like i'm building a sort of protective barrier around me.
But is that just being an escapist from all the things life can bring you, or is that just in my nature? How is it that people can go through the most excruciating heartbreaks and still recover eventually, when for me, it's taking ages? (And in this matter i credit praj, no matter how much i've dissed her before. She lost someone she loved a lot in a car accident, and she was dating him for a year, and she doesn't even cry about it.)
Y'know sometimes i don't even know if i should just be strong and have the 'come what may' attitude, instead of cowering and hiding in my shell. I guess this is just my natural defence against whatever will affect me, like my immunity system to viruses.
Sometimes i find i'm actually
scared of getting my feelings hurt. Maybe because i know how it will affect me. And again, the natural defense of hiding.
But having said all that, there seems to be some logic in the way i'm reacting. When i said love transcends everything, i mean real, pure,
deep love. Not some stupid three-day infatuation you might mistake for love when it isn't (though at the time, it surely felt like it.)
And also when i say 'love', i'm not like some people who go around dating guys like they change their underwear (read: praj). I mean
love love, when you really give your heart to someone. But even then when some people have claimed to have given their heart to someone and they date for a long time and eventually break up, the people will be heartbroken but still eventually move on. :\
So maybe the concept i'm not getting is getting up again after being struck down.
And sometimes i wonder if i left so much as a
mark on that vile creature's life. I highly doubt it, seeing as i'm more of riddance to him than loss. And i've accepted the fact that he thinks i don't exist... Though technically speaking that would be impossible because if i didn't exist he wouldn't remember me and if he wouldn't remember me he wouldn't remember what happened between us and if he doesn't remember what happened between us then he wouldn't be ignoring me now (ok cue for me to stop delving into stupid details right -_-)
Anyway, for these reasons:
1) I want to keep my feelings 'protected' from hurt
2) I want to concentrate on my studies and have no distractions
3) I am (possibly) still nursing a broken heart
I am going to stay out of love and the like for a while.
twisting beside myself @5:57 AM
So.
Exams were over last friday. I feel like kicking myself in the ass for not learning from my Olevel mistakes, i.e, last-minute revision. Alevels is seriously not Olevels and i should realise that last-minute revision won't work D:
Not to mention how i felt nauseous almost everyday thanks to Red Bull, which many times ceased to keep me awake -_-
And i've also given up on trying to beat him ; it just shows i'm not over him when i am. And i don't care how many people are telling me i'm not over him because it doesn't matter if i am or not, i'll physch myself into it :)
So, as disappointed as i am with myself right now, i've learnt from my mistakes and hopefully i will study consistently next year and not make the same mistake yet again. I can't anyway, next year is the crucial year for getting into uni. (btw i just realised that if i get into uni i will only be 17 :O)
Heh.
What's very off-putting for next year is the fact that he's going to be there as well. Thank God all his iranian friends are going to be out of my school cos they're all in the higher level. Phew.
I just hope nicer people come to my college next year; From what my friend mohani and i have noticed,
NOBODY is nice. The both of us can't wait to get the next year over and done with, lol.
I kinda hate the fact that my exams ended early. Firstly there's nothing much to do, and thanks to RETARDED tube strikes i can't go out with mo and praj ): will be going out this friday though, to some area called bromley.
And latest news is that i got my phone bill yesterday - a ridiculous £292.99 :) Mother was flippin' mad. Went to the phone shop today to sort it out and apparently i overshot my call minutes by about over 600 minutes and overshot my text messages by over 500. Pandai, i didn't even know my plan -_-
Another piece of good news is that my parents and younger brother are coming to london this sunday. YAYYYYY :D i feel like a boat that has found shore when i'm with the people who matter to me. Like all alone in london i'm drifting aimlessly but when there's someone you know close to you nearby you have someone else to rely on, give you support, care for you.... Which is why, lately, i've been thinking about how lonely i'll be if i have to stay in an apartment on my own when i go to uni. I don't like being alone, i need company. ): I'll go like, insane or something being alone.
And this is random but i plan to lose 15 kg by uni. -_- it's possible but difficulltttt. i <3 my chocolate D:
Oh well.
Anyway. I'M COMING BACK NEXT MONTH WOOOO AND I'LL BE STAYING TILL LIKE AUGUST COS MY NEXT YEAR STARTS IN SEPTEMBER! <3 SEE YOU ALL SOOOOON :D
twisting beside myself @1:53 AM