~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Thursday, January 11, 2007

"Where can I turn? Cause I need something more
Surrounded by uncertainty I'm so unsure"

-Conspiracy; Paramore.

I'm not supposed to be blogging now. But i really need to.

I feel like an effed up person. There are so many people's feelings i've hurt, so many mistakes i have made.

I'm not perfect but there's no point giving people advice and constantly preaching, when you yourself need advice and you don't even practice what you preach sometimes.

I feel like i have multiple personalities. I'm different to different people, but somehow i can't even be myself around my own flesh and blood.

No, wait a second.

Who am i?

I can't even answer that. I really don't know.

Some people say i'm this and that and this and that, and some say the exact opposite.

I mean, only YOU know yourself best but i don't. There's really too many things that different people say, i can't even make out what to think.

And this not-knowing-yourself problem is really bugging me. Who can i turn to?

God. Obviously.

But likewise, i don't even know where i stand as a Muslim. I sometimes have doubts about my own religion, and other times i feel really proud to be a Muslim. So i don't even know if i'm actually a religious hypocrite [aka munafiks, who will go to the lowest level of hell] or not. I don't know, i just don't.

You have to ask God when you're confused.

But i don't know, i just really don't know anymore.

I don't even know the concept of life to begin with. I need to learn. A lot.

And to all those people whose feelings i've hurt despite all they have done for me, i just don't know what to say. Sorry is an understatement. Yeah i know what you're thinking, " that's what they ALL say."

But i mean it.

Truly.

---------

k. that was what i blogged a few days ago but i saved as a draft because i thought i heard my parents at the gate. turns out it was just my maid. what duh heck. but it's okay, i've talked to my mum about this problem and i feel soo much better now. thanks mom.

anyway, i shall make use of two beautiful pictures to depict the first few days of school.

bull.

shit.[Hahaha look it's huge.]

bull+shit=bullshit.

Why?

1) I feel very awkward around people whom i don't know. Like primary one, but sec 3? Weird. Especially on the first day.

2) The teachers didn't even manage to bond us well on the first day of school. duh hell. -_-

3) Certain people who love to complain about our class being boring, don't even bother to interact with us. They just stick to their cliques. And i have a feeling that some people have something against me..

4) Kapoor and rae sit 10 miles [2 tables] from me, and i can't talk to them.

5) KAPOOR I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO READ THIS BECAUSE YOU'RE RIGHT BESIDE ME IN THE COMP LAB NOW BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE A FEELING THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. >_<

but i think it's just me being paranoid lah, tsk.

5) I'm currently not on good terms with someone.. well you know who you are. not wanting to accept the truth is really, really wrong. It should make you a BETTER person, not a worse one.

Only.. you CHOSE to make it worse. Then blame others for it. Sometimes i just don't understand you.

You know, not that i mean to be racist/bitchy but i realise a distinct attitude among malays. We are such escapists. While people of other races would want to tackle the problem head-on, we just sit in one corner and pretend everything's fine and make the problem worse. Very very tragic... Well i'm not spared so i can't judge others. I just hope all of us can change this attitude because it SUCKS.

Well that's about it. Shall blog later! Tomorrow perhaps. Yep, yep the plan about deleting the tagboard was all shit talk and yeah. I'm still having a blog and balancing school work. It's not that hard now that i'm not so obsessed.

Goodbye mortals. [:

ooh, before i forget, i want to change url. should i make it thetasteofsin.blogspot.com or buried-wreckage.blogspot.com? opinions please. i'm in a dilemma. lol. goodbye.

twisting beside myself @3:04 AM

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