~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Bill Kaulitz is teh seks. <3

I also wish for world peace, end of poverty,happiness and justice for everyone. :]

Thursday, May 31, 2007

I WANT: to lose weight and get better grades.

I HATE: a lot of things.

I MISS: ..nothing?

I HEAR: my maid waking my brother up.

I REGRET: a lot of things.

I LIKE: chocolate.

I SHOULD: seriously lose weight and get better grades. i swear to God.

[WHEN YOU SEE THESE NAMES YOU THINK OF...]

RYAN: RYAN ROSS<3

DOUG: douglas.

JOHN: uhm... the thingie. if you know what i'm talking about. although it's more for dick i guess HAHA

SCOTT: a fat guy blowing windpipes. (scotland)

KENNY: john kennedy -_-

[IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, HAVE YOU...]

CRIED? HELL YES. CAMPPP

HELPED SOMEONE? yes.

GOTTEN SICK? not really.but emotionally yes =S

GONE TO THE MOVIES? naw.

GONE OUT FOR DINNER? nah.

SAID "I LOVE YOU"? nah.

WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? nay.

WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? nope.

[WOULD YOU EVER...]

1. EAT A BUG? i can't believe i'm saying this, but yes, i would.

2. BUNGEE JUMP? NO.

3. HANG GLIDE? whatever that is, the rope or whatever supporting my body will break lah can.

4. KILL SOMEONE? if it weren't illegal and haram.

7. WALK ON HOT COALS? siao ah.

8. GO OUT TO EAT WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER? haha. maybe.

9. GO OUT W/ SOMEONE FOR THEIR REPUTATION? no lah. that's like using the person.

10.BE A VEGETARIAN? maybe. i was thinking about it before. because honestly, the way i'm bingeing on chocs now, i can get diabetes by like, 20 years old.(nauzubillah.)

15. WOULD YOU DYE YOUR HAIR BLUE? HAHA YEAH.

17. MAKE SOMEONE CRY? i don't recall...

19. STAY UP ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT? duhh.been there,done that.

{mann ur math sucks...} <-haha shahirah.

[THE LAST PERSON WHO...]
1. SLEPT ON THE SAME BED WITH YOU? i think my younger brother. idiot.

2. SAW YOU CRY? heh. squadmates.

3. YOU SAW SOMEONE CRY? squadmates. a lot of emotional and physical pain during camp.

4. WENT TO THE MOVIES WITH? family.

5. WENT TO DINNER/LUNCH WITH? squadmates.

6. THAT CALLED YOU ON THE PHONE: i can't remember.

7. THAT YOU CALLED ON THE PHONE: aishah maybe?

8. TEXT YOU: aishah.

9. MADE YOU LAUGH: i don't know.

--------------------

WELLL. i'm back from camp! yay!

and i'm currently using the comp with my brother and maid saying stuff like:

"eh. mama cakap boleh main tak."

pfft.gimme a break.

so anyway.

NCO CAMP.

I think i'm blessed with good luck when it comes to camp. seriously. even with last year's ATC camp, i thought it would be tough but it was frigging slack.

and despite this being an NCO camp, it was sort of slack compared to what i thought it would be.

THE CIs DIDN'T COME.

yes. they didn't. only the sec 4 maams did, and it was all sort of like annual camp without the juniors and slightly tougher.

training was tough, and we did sooo many pumpings that my arms are now twisted beyond belief. i can't even reach up to put on my specs properly. it's that bad.

and the worst part is, i didn't even do the freaking push ups properly.

shows you how totally fit i am, doesn't it

-_______________-.

so we were told to build a shelter in the quadrangle to sleep for the night. we did so with ponchos and dowel poles. and a hell lot of teamwork.

then blah blah blah we had drills and they played this 'game' where we were to run up to the toilet near the npcc room from the void deck to change into different types of uniforms (half uni, mufti, etc.) over and over again. very infuriating.

and the day went on and on and on.

and then.

nightwalk.

in the evening, something totally creepy happened. we were marching in the void deck, when suddenly natasya started crying. and trust me, she isn't the type to cry.

so we asked her what happened.

guess what she said.

"i saw something.."

almost everyone started being hysterical and crying and all that. even ida, who, like natasya, doesn't cry, did.

apparently, aishah and fathima saw the 'thing' at the classroom block too. on the second floor at a fire extinguisher. standing.

so then the seniors tried to comfort us and miss seah said we could sleep in tents at the circular block instead of our shelter. i suddenly turned hyper while everyone else was scared shitless o_O

then we did a couple more things and it was kinda late at night (11.30pm) when we were told to sleep in the void deck, to probably prepare for the nightwalk.

and while sleeping, i swear i heard maam sherlyn i think, saying 'oh my god, oh my god' or something like that. i'm not sure if THEY saw something too. o.o

so then! i was woken up by maam ezza, who said it was my turn for nightwalk. undoubtedly i was scared, but somehow sleeping helped calm my nerves.

i held my torch light and whistle in one hand, and walked normally, uttering prayers under my breath repeatedly.

we were supposed to walk behind the rifle range, but i was kinda scared so i just skipped that part and walked into the canteen, where i was supposed to do something.

then i made my way to the piano staircase, which was half closed by a shutter. i opened it slowly and shone my torchlight at the staircase, although i couldn't.

okay. continue later. my brother and maid are nagging at me. haiz.

twisting beside myself @7:06 PM

Sunday, May 27, 2007

1. 0ne silly name you were called by your close friends?
> nads, then they claimed that they checked the dictionary and it meant dick o_o i think they meant nuts, though

2. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
> STICKY CHEWY CHOCOLATE<333333

3. What movie/s are you waiting for?
> harry potter

4. If you wanted to be in a band, what would you call it?
> hohum de bobum. :D

5. What is the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?
> french fry dipped in ice cream o.o

6. do you want to live with your love forever?
> love? hmm.

7. Where is the place you want to be right now?
> at the top of a really tall building,
staring down and observing and smiling freakily. <-HAHAHAHA ATIFA.

in the bathroom taking a bath, actually. hoho.

8. What song do you listen to feel happy?
> love today-mika. it always (ALWAYS) makes me laugh.heheehoo

9. In The Lord of the Rings, who do you like?
> frodo, ketotembam, 'specially on punk'd.hahaha.he nearly cried XD

11. What movie/s made you cry?
> um nothing really, i'm kinda too embarrassed to cry in front of my family.

FINE! that malay movie cikgu showed us in sec 1 left me sobbing. pfft.

12. Name famous people you had a crush on?
> gaspard ulliel, gerard way, matthew bellamy.... the list goes on.

13.What is your favorite drink?
> milo and mountain dew =D

14. Who is/are the cartoon characters that you like?
> spongebob

15.are you a money stealer?
> D:< NOO.

16. If you could freely kill just one celebrity, who?
> i'd rather kill anggek shitheads around me than celebrities can

17. Coke or Pepsi?
> anything, preferably coke tho

18. In a week, how many times do you go online?
> not very much nowadays.

20.crushing
> *shakes head*

21. Describe yourself in one word?
> obese.

22. What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
> check the time on the alarm clock

23. What's the last thing you do before you go to sleep?
> wear my retainers -_- worse than braces ah

24. Something about you that you're proud of:
> being magnanimous, sometimes.

25. Are you in love?
> nay

26. What's your mobile number?
>

27. Are you happy?
> sometimes

28. Why?
> i don't know. moodswings hmm

29. is there sumthing u wanna do?
> bathe, lose weight, get good grades,get frikin NCO camp nightwalk over and done with. eurgh.

30. What are you listening to right now?
> nothin

31. Complete this sentence: WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS...
> an apocalypse so everyone can see what stupid and annoying things they have done

32. What was the last thing you ate?
> roti prata

33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? why?
> pink or black. pink when i'm happy, black when i'm depressed

34. What did you eat for breakfast?
> roti prata

35. who is the last person you talked to?
> nobody i can recall

36. Last person who sent you a message?
> aishah

39. What are you wearing?
> pink batik dress

40. Favorite day/s of the week?
> sat&sun

41. Favorite place?
> nowhere in particular, just somewhere where i can shy away from people

---------------

hello.

seems like so long since i've actually blogged normally, as in, not being emo or whatever.

hmm.

this year has been a confusing one. o_O

anyway.

tag replies

6 Apr 07, 19:15
hanis: im also touched you actually kept my link. hahaha.

haha, no prob, really.

6 Apr 07, 21:43

Orange iRah 0>=): excuse me?wat completely forgot u -_- i've been visiting ppl's blogs but feel kinda malas to tag ahaha.sori ah.

hmmmmm.

7 Apr 07, 13:06
HeQie: it's okayy, i figures you guys would be too busy anyways. school's crazyy...anyway, i didnt see you at sports day!! awww...SADD!! haha and the song's funny and your laughter brightens up our day....ha
7 Apr 07, 13:07
HeQie: well, my post's a mix of feelingslah......mixedmixed.........hahaha
7 Apr 07, 13:07
HeQie: now im okay...and im veryveryvery happy

hohoho. cute ah you.

7 Apr 07, 23:12
HeQie: yay...luv ya too....anyway i cant believe im saying this....but i kinda like gd charlotte.....their new them....at least...heheh

hahahaha. YAY!

8 Apr 07, 01:13
kapoor: nadiah!! is there a website whereby i can download music for free without getting sued/shot/jailed?

LOL. not that i know of...

8 Apr 07, 13:12hanis: u flooded my tagboard...
8 Apr 07, 13:12hanis: ill do the same
8 Apr 07, 13:12hanis: haha
8 Apr 07, 13:13hanis: the guy is hot. and looks gay, as in gay-happy-lame-gay. yah
8 Apr 07, 13:13hanis: haha
8 Apr 07, 13:13hanis: supacool. hahahaha

HEHEHEHE. supacool. LOL.

8 Apr 07, 15:09
aishah: eh pls. my defination of hot is at least not lyk tt pekat policeguy k. eh the gaygod guy is cute. and he doesn;t look like you. -nannynannypoopoo
8 Apr 07, 15:09
aishah: pelat sori. pekat sounds wrong. sorri type salah.
8 Apr 07, 15:11
aishah: u shd read nabbo's blog abt taufik batisah tyeaching bahasa melayu. woah. if he reali is ah, i tell u, i will volunteer myself to sing the getaran jiwa song by p.ramlee. lalala.

haha, that policeguy. loooool. taufik batisah? bahasa melayu? getaran jiwa? hoho. wild imaginations.

8 Apr 07, 22:26
matt: hello,i got nothing to do at the moment.just blog hopping.

yowe.

10 Apr 07, 18:09
HeQie: kapoor..........u sumdoll or whatt.......obviously free downloading id ILLEGALL!!!

HAH. yeah lah, kapoor..

10 Apr 07, 20:53
Orange iRah 0>=): hahaha gays are kinda cute actually.but this dude's a downright camwhore -_-

lmfao, camwhore.

11 Apr 07, 17:10feffe: haha that video is hilarious and cute lah.
11 Apr 07, 17:10feffe: but a bit bored eh O.o
11 Apr 07, 17:12feffe: I LIKE THE THIRD PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i don't know why the guy in green behind him made me laugh like jamban

HAHA. maybe coz he tak chantik like gaygod, that's why.HEHEHEHEHE.

13 Apr 07, 21:34
hanis: hello nade you obsessive gay-lover-you. hahaha. i agree with orange irah. hes such a camwhore.

haha gay lover. HAHAHA.

14 Apr 07, 14:47
feffe: lmao gay lover

hahahaha.

16 Apr 07, 18:14aishah: i like the the pics. except for the 2nd, 8th and 9th one where he looks gay. too bad hes gay la, if he was a straight guy..he will be reali f.hot.

hahaha you actually COUNTED? loool. and yeah he's sizzling and pretty :D

16 Apr 07, 21:50
feffe: I LOVE YOU AND BIBAH'S PRESENTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
16 Apr 07, 21:50
feffe: HEHEHEHEHEHH, BULAT PENYU BULAT BULAT BULAT

YAYIE! YOU LIKED IT! =D

17 Apr 07, 19:12hanis: u should really update before i get sick of his face which i duont want happening. hahaah
17 Apr 07, 19:12hanis: actually i wont.
17 Apr 07, 19:12hanis: hahaha
20 Apr 07, 20:58hanis: i am here to tag again. but i realy dont know what to say. hahahaahahahaahahaha

hahahaha. thanks for flooding. and of COURSE you won't get sick of his face. nobody will.

21 Apr 07, 12:58feffe: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH
21 Apr 07, 12:59feffe: HAHAHAHAHA,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA *POINTS TO YOUR RECENT POST AND LAUGHS BECAUSE I AM AMUSED*
21 Apr 07, 13:00feffe: LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO
21 Apr 07, 13:00feffe: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA AND THE VIDEO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO FUNNY

LOLLLLLLLLLLL.

21 Apr 07, 20:34
feffe: HAHAHAHA GASPARD DANCE CUTE SIAL.
21 Apr 07, 20:39
feffe: EHHHHHHHHHHHHH WTF THAT BLOODY BEARDED GUY MUST HAVE BLOODY REMEMBERED THAT VERY MOMENT FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE
21 Apr 07, 20:39
feffe: WTH WTFH WTMFH, STUPID BEARDED OLD MAN
21 Apr 07, 20:41
feffe: they obviously grab him to play gay rolse because. well. he is inhumanly good looking even my guy friend thinks so HAHAHAHAHAHA
21 Apr 07, 20:44
feffe: haha he's so cute down there he's like this little innocent boy and that girl and (stupid) bearded man are trying to drown him in the darkness of alcohol and gaying and dancing when he cannot dance

ah ah, old man bodoh >=( and your guy friend is cool! HAHA!

i want to dance with gaspard like that girl siah

22 Apr 07, 14:38feffe: i love that corny song in the gaspard goes gay video. it makes me want to do what that girl is doing
22 Apr 07, 14:42feffe: btw i think the girl is gorgeous and she even looks good wearing some ugly oversized shirt that looks like her dad passed it down to her cos he hated wearing it to work
22 Apr 07, 14:42feffe: which does not make me shallow

haha corny song.

and yeah, i don't put pictures of hot guys in my blog because i'm shallow, just that i find them attractive. and i don't judge them by their looks. i don't say 'oh, you're so hot and therefore you're a saint.' i find them attractive and it ends THERE. and nothing more.

and in case you all[who think i'm shallow]are wondering, i'd rather be friends with an ugly guy for very long then be his girlfriend than see a hot guy and start crushing like shit even though his attitude sucks. so there. i'm NOT shallow. and just because i find some guys hot, doesn't mean i'm shallow. get it now?

27 Apr 07, 18:13hanis: wow it seems like i havnt been here for a REALLY LONG time
27 Apr 07, 18:16hanis: eeeeesh so so so so sadistic. eeeeesh.

hmm? what's sadistic?

7 May 07, 22:57hanis: sadistic as in sick in the mind in a psycho-killer state of the mind. something like that. hahaha
7 May 07, 22:57hanis: i am a realist and i worry a little too much. haaha.

haha what only. and hell, I worry too much too! yayieee.

8 May 07, 17:02ain: maybe I'm LALALA...I forogt,cause I toke it and dindd't want to put my name there,so must be me lah.
8 May 07, 17:06ain: actually,I don't know.-___-Oh PATRICK is LOVE LOVE LOVE,even if he gained weight and like you say,is a geek.:D

hahaha what the hell. and patrick simply rocks because he's a geeks. =D

i realise how adorable geeks are. like tobey maguire in spiderman 3. like so hot can. BOTH when he's geeky and emo. HWORH

8 May 07, 22:11
iRah: heyy.u're not alone (:

i'm not alone in what sense? sometimes i do wonder if you give a damn

8 May 07, 22:21
feffe: yay i scored higher for this test. haha. and yes, i extremely despise people who are like that, wanna complain, complain around your own kind please. maggotbuckets.
9 May 07, 16:21
feffe: i like that song. so ambient =D
9 May 07, 22:03
feffe: sombahday. ahha

yeah, those kinds of people deserve to have spades shoved up their asses.

10 May 07, 22:01hanis: damn!! love the song! the starting is awesome. hahaha
10 May 07, 22:16hanis: woo hoo!! geeks are cool. hahaha
10 May 07, 22:34hanis: tobey maguire in spiderman 3 is hot. seriously. he looks so much better. only a little weird though

haha. yeah. geeks and the song, rock.and TOBEY MAGUIRE. ARGH. HOTNESS.

11 May 07, 21:03
aishah: i took some of the tests you took leh. results same seh. eh, im sorry if you actually meant by me in your post. you know i tend to be too optimistic sometimes. heehee.

mhmm. nevermind.

11 May 07, 22:17hanis: you came to my blog!. hahahaha ok ok. spiderman is awesome. oh-so-AWESOME!!. hahaha.

hahaha. i thought the movie was so-so. but the acting was good, though. PETER PARKER IS THE WUVVVV.

(oh my god i suddenly got reminded of one of atifa's xanga blogskins last year, and it said something is DA LAVV and my mum was like, "wth does _______ is the LAW mean?"

HAHAHAHA. what the hell.)

12 May 07, 14:48feffe: oh i love that muse song
12 May 07, 14:48feffe: what the hell noooooo evanescence must not break up sia

yeah man. to BOTH your tags.
---------------

i have to go now. there. reply more next time. and i'm blogging more tomorrow, maybe.

you know what?i'm going to die for NCO camp.hurray.

twisting beside myself @1:30 PM

Thursday, May 17, 2007

okay i'm REALLY not supposed to be on the comp right now and every few seconds i'm looking out the gate to see if my parents are coming home but i just have to say something.

i deleted friendster. for a lot of reasons. heh. so don't bother writing me testimonials and other things. because i deleted it. haaa.hurray.

btw, i apologise for the post below. i was super depressed when i wrote it. i'm feeling strangely happy today.bye.

twisting beside myself @11:14 PM

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

hello fuckers. oops. did i just offend you? haha. i'm sorry. i'm just too sick with the way everyone is now. especially me.

well, just dropped by to fucking announce that i won't fucking be using the fucking computer for fucking two months until the end of june coz i'm fucking grounded.

and you DON'T have to know why i'm grounded. fuck. i feel like all my fucking freedom has been taken away. my mum took my fucking phone and i'm not to use the fucking comp till fucking next month.

exams are fucking shit hell. and i don't know how i'm going to fucking go home because i'm fucking pissed at my parents right now and i just feel like running away. but the truth remains that i can't survive on my own.

it doesn't fucking help when people around you start ignoring you and don't care. i mean, when they seemed pissed off you asked and right now when you're in a bad mood nobody gives a fuckshit about anybody only themselves. ah well. typical of this fucking fucked up world.

fuck all of you man.

i'm not going to say sorry. because i won't mean it. i hate the world.

fucking farewell, i hope to fucking see your blogs when i'm finally not fucking grounded.

eurgh.where did i go fucking wrong.

twisting beside myself @3:12 PM

Saturday, May 12, 2007

MUSE-DEAD STAR

this is possibly the most bingit-ing piece of music from muse, but undoubtedly one of the nicest.
=D

and they have a new single too! invincible. i can't be bothered to post it here though.

i LOVE this version of their song 'assasin'.

brilliant song. the best in 'black holes'. hmm!

oh! and evanescence has come up with two new videos.

EVANESCENCE - LITHIUM

EVANESCENCE - SWEET SACRIFICE

hehehe i love the two songs. second song, especially. i love amy's vocals there.

and i love how amy sings in long flowy nice gothic dresses about how effed up the world is. hahaha. cool.

i just hope their next single will be lacrymosa or like you.

OMG!

http://www.nme.com/news/evanescence/28172

=O

ok whatever. just hope their music isn't affected. keshian john lecompt )=

twisting beside myself @12:26 PM

Friday, May 11, 2007

well, today started off pretty badly.

i woke up at about 5.50am coz we were supposed to be in school by 6.45am for npcc day, where we would be standing around the flagpole in a circle and sedia and senang diri and all that shitz.

well, so then i bathed and blah blah and packed my uniform and wanted to go out of the house by 6.35am but then it started raining and my mum said that 'nobody would be early coz it was raining', so i had to wait till about 6.55am for all of them to get the freak out of the house so she could send my brothers in the car.

so then, i was getting really panicky and pissed off because i reached the school at about 7.10am when i was to be there about half an hour earlier. ran and as i had expected, nobody except maryam was 'late because it was raining'.

k. so 1)was pissed off with mum.well, quite.

fine, fine. so shut up and just change into your goddamned uniform coz you're late already anyway.

and here was when i got REALLY pissed off: i forgot to bring my skirt. yes you did not read wrongly, i did not bring my skirt.my skirt. just my damn blouse and that was about it.plus my freaking shoes and belt and beret. i was happily and panically [sp/grammar?] changing into my blouse, and i looked into uniform bag, and it was empty. i looked on the floor in case it fell, but there was nothing.

and i clearly remembered my maid say "semua kat dalam bag tu" before i carried the god-fucking-damned thing to school today.

so i had to run to the NP room and borrow this fucking skirt which was 6 sizes less than my normal size [haha shocked aren't you].

when i tried to wear it, the zip couldn't meet;it was at least 5cm apart.

so maryam and aishah who helped this pitiful hippo get into her skirt, finally left it at that and told me to use the belt to tighten it so it won't drop.

2) pissed at maid for spouting rubbish and getting me into trouble

before disgracing myself in malay class, i changed into school uni to look decent. oh well. at least this is better than being the only npcc fucker to wear the uniform in class and have everybody starring at you. *shivers with paranoia*

---

after recess we had english paper checking.

well, i was pretty pleased with my compo, got 45/60 overall. alas, an A1.

then came compre which was supposedly 'so easy'. fuck it man. got 29/50. fucksheetz, i really don't get how on earth i got 12/25 for the first part.i honestly thought i'd score higher.but sometimes in life, things don't go your way.

wow, i hung on to that confidently and got let down. pfft to self-esteem

so, i got a gorgeous b3 for my overall.

and i have a gut feeling that this is the best piece of news i will be receiving for the whole of MYE's results. fuck this whole damn year lah. i wish i could start again. i've made lots of mistakes and let myself be bothered by annoying obstacles.

twisting beside myself @11:44 PM

Thursday, May 10, 2007

i feel like gaying with quizzes now.

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.

You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be reluctant to accept things as they are. And you are prone to think negatively.

You are the type of person who assumes that the world revolves around yourself.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

1) excuse me, spend as little as possible? i'll have you know i spent so much of my savings and saved so little these past few weeks, that i have only about $20+ left. and it used to be more than $100.

2) THE WORLD DOES NOT FREAKING REVOLVE AROUND ME. i'm just paranoid, that's all.

3)negative?reluctant to accept things? true. :D

You Are 32% Slacker

You have a few slacker tendencies, but overall you tend not to slack.
You know how to relax when the time is right, but you aren't lazy!

Are You a Slacker?

phew. at least i still have a streak of kiasuness left in me from the good ol primary six days.

Your Worry Factor is 76%

The amount you worry is definitely borderline unhealthy.
Even when things are going well, you find yourself fixating on the negatives.
Try to remember the times you've been able to let your worries go.
If you can do that again, you'll be much happier!

Do You Worry Too Much?

heehohuhuhuh negative again. whatever.

You Are 65% Impulsive

You are impulsive, which at times leads to irresponsibility.
It's hard for you to say no to all but the most insane propositions.
But you could care less. While your impulsive ways have gotten you in a little trouble - they've made for a very exciting life!

Are You Impulsive?

hmmmm.

You Sometimes Hold a Grudge

You aren't exactly vengeful, but you're not going to forget when someone wrongs you.
And while you'll forgive the small things, you don't hand out too many second chances to people who really screw up.

Do You Hold a Grudge?

i forgive. i never forget.

You Are 88% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life.
Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

hmm.especially this year. mostly downs, though.

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable.

Overall, your true self is reserved and logical.

With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

hahahaha. most of this is true.

You Are Somewhat Mature

You definitely act like an adult sometimes, but a big part of you is still a kid at heart.
While your immature side is definitely fun, you're going to have to grow up sooner or later.

Are You Immature?

haha. i think aishah is nodding her head vigorously now.

you all don't know how i am when i'm mature. i can be really mature. the extremeness of me, remember?

at the same time i'm a giggling annoying goofy kid. haaa. go figure.

Your Social Anxiety Level: 76%

You have high social anxiety.
You have a pretty serious social phobia, and it effects your life more than you may realize.
It's possible that you've made yourself comfortable by avoiding situations you dread.
But don't be fooled - you still probably need professional help.

Are You Socially Anxious?

haha. how true. i'm terrified of announcing in my class.and what the heck, this is possibly the third quiz that said i need professional help.maybe i'm being too emo or whatevers. i have no flipping idea.

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

hohoho! interesting! 'dark feelings', pfft.

You Are 40% Phobic

Scared? You? Not really. Everyone has a few normal phobias, and you're no exception.
It's okay to be afraid of a few things. You wouldn't be human if you weren't.

How Phobic Are You?

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.

People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

sure nottt.

You Are 61% Non Conformist

You are a pretty serious non conformist. You live a life hardly anyone understands.
And while some may call you a freak, you're happy with who you are.

Are You a Nonconformist?

happy with who you are is B.S. but nobody understands me, true.fact is, i don't even understand myself.

Your Sloth Quotient: 75%

You're a pretty lazy person, and you relish in your own sloth.
While being lazy does feel good, you're missing out on the really good parts of life that take a little work.

How Much Sloth Do You Have?

aiyah this year only ah. you'll see the change after the june hols. i'll be a different person.

twisting beside myself @9:22 PM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

right, so i was going to post stuff but got too distracted by msn and tomorrow's there's school and now it's almost 11pm and i woke up today with disgusting swollen eyes so i'm going to have to sleep now to make sure they're gone

i'll post later. goodbye world.

Labels: i love you so much i could just kill you

twisting beside myself @10:51 PM

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

hahaha, i'm bored. again.

Create your own Friend Test here

this one is damn easy.

hmmm. I KNEW IT! somehow i find loads of similarities between pete and i. but personally, i think i'd better along with patrick because i love geeks and he's one of em =D

this is good [:

there's that stupid word again. gosh, please get the damn words 'sensitive','insecure', 'emotional', 'depressed', 'self-mutilation' and 'suicide' out of my dictionary. oh, and don't forget 'paranoid' too. i swear to God.

twisting beside myself @1:09 AM

wellllllllllllllllll, za exams are finally overr.
ENGLISH PAPER 1&2: ok.

SOCIAL STUDIES: mampos kau

BIOLOGY: eurgh.

HISTORY CORE:screwed.

MALAY PAPER 1: DIALOG =D karangan screwed.

ADDITIONAL MATHS: HMM! some Qs were easy some were difficult, but overall, kinda screwed.

CHEMISTRY: slightly screwed meh.

LITERATURE ELECTIVE: hmmmmm.

(today) MALAY PAPER 2: quite ee.

(today) ELEMENTARY MATHS: OH MY GOD IF I DIDN'T SCREW THIS WORSE THAN A MATHS THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID.

-----

hum. so yeah. about life nowadays.

ok. i named this blog out of a phrase from a song by The Used which is light with a sharpened edge

'It's not me
Buried wreckage my soul
It's not me so who am I now?'

and NEVER did i EVER expect these few words to completely have a meaning to me.

until this year.

i'm a freaking wreck.

i may look really happy and bouncy and laugh-y at school, but deep down inside nothing can fill in the emptiness.and i'm not trying to be emo in that sense, i really am literally emo. not the stupid eyeliner thinger, i mean this really. i'm an emotional human being. and i really just feel empty.

in school my work sucks. honestly. judging from how 'well' i've done for this mid-year, i feel like i should just give up. there's no more hope for me.

but then again, what have i got to lose? i'm not going be called 'the child whose parents are doctors but is a minah'. that's just disgusting. so whatever it is, i'm going to pull through. i HAVE to pull through, whether i like it or not. which, in this case, i don't.

and friends. honestly. i don't know whether it's me dwelling in my own insecurities or self-pity or whatever, but i feel that human beings are the most horrible disgusting creatures ever.most of the time i feel like everything i do is wrong. if i'm a bit loud, it will be unnecessary noise. if i just want to give an opinion, they'll say i'm arrogant. they'll say that i always think i'm right. i'm not always right. i'm not. so i'm sorry. fine. sometimes i MAY cross that boundary. that fine line that separates being opinionated and being snobbish. but i'm sorry. but
wasn't it you who said that nobody's perfect?

and i give up trying so hard to care about people who don't appreciate it. it saps me of what little energy i have in this really unfit body of mine.try to reach out to people to not make them feel left out, they'll scold you in return. sure, i may sound annoying. whatever. i have good intentions. i'm not an evil person. i'm not that. why can't you just stop being so stupid and see what the hell i'm trying to do here instead of being so self-absorbed?

am i referring to you? hmm. let me see. in this post i shall be very obscure about those i'm referring to. but i swear almost all the people i'm referring to now read this blog.

and i think my expectations of people are too high. i'm not acting holier-than-thou. i'm not saying, "oh, i'm an angel and therefore you should be like me too." NO. i'm just trying to do the RIGHT THINGS. i'm sorry if they came out wrong. didn't i say i wasn't perfect?

but i make it a point not to ignore anyone when in a group. if the person is quiet, i'll reach out to that person. because i personally have been left out loads of times in previous friendships, and i'm not going to let myself live in their mistakes. so when i ask you if you're okay, i'm not trying to be annoying, i'm trying to fucking reach out to you, damn it.

then comes another problem. those kinds of people, who KNOW they have more than you, but complain in your face and make you feel worse. e.g, A gets all As for her studies,and B gets mostly Fs. A goes around F saying annoying bitchy stuff like," OMG! YOU SEE LAH, I GET ONLY A1S, TSK, NOT EVEN HUNDRED PERCENT." and DESPITE B telling you to shut up, you go on with your inflated ego rubbing it in B's face as though B deserves it.

1) that shows you're a show-off, ass.

2) hello, as a friend, aren't you supposed to MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?? say stuff like," it's okay, you can do better,"NOT rubbing it into my face?

and i'm sure all of you heard about insecure people. people who haven't found peace with themselves, people who aren't sure what if they're doing is right or wrong. people who have low confidence.

well, problem is, some of us have TOO much security. please lah, underneath that smile of yours, don't tell me i don't know you have some insecurities. everyone does.and these kinds of poeple who do nothing but laugh and go 'hahahahahahhahHHhHHEHEHOUHOU' over the smallest things, well, they tak sedar diri if you get what i mean. you can't just assume whatever you do is right, can you? you have to be slightly paranoid to make sure what you're doing isn't annoying people. but apparently you don't. which is irritating.

and you all can go about saying stuff like i need to be more serious or whatever. shut up lah okay.i don't give a shit. i won't change because you told me to. this might sound contradictory to the paragraph before this, but i live by God's and my parents' rules. not yours. and in case you didn't already notice, i'm an actually very unhappy person. call me pessimistic, call me a spoilt brat, i don't care. being unhappy is an extremely horrible feeling. and i am unhappy when i go home because it's a totally different atmosphere altogether. it's where i reflect about my day, my friends, my life, my feelings, whatever, and start feeling the hollowness growing in my chest.don't you think i need to let go SOMEWHERE? what, keep it inside and go completely insane? i don't think you all would want that, do you? as it is, i'm on the edge of sanity already. one more thing and i'll totally fall into the abyss. don't make me.

and well. school work is one thing. friends and people's bullshit is another. health is also, another.

while you all know that i'm not exactly slim, i eat chocolates as an escape.it might be an excuse, that's what my mom told me, but i don't know. to me, it helps.

but everything has its good and bad points. while it helps temporarily, it'll make me fatter and more annoyed with myself. plus, i'm also sleeping more this year.why? it is another form of escapism. it's not right, but i shall say this once again, I'M NOT PERFECT.

when i want to study, i look at the book and once again, am haunted by the hollowness deep inside. it really affects me a lot. why'd you think i go do something stupid like what i did that other day, which some of you might know of? it's this emptiness, this hollowness, this depression.

last resort? GOD. but it's not always as easy as it seems. it really isn't.

i am aware that my problems are surmountable. i'm just letting them get the better of me. i know there are other people out there worse than me. they've suffered much more. but nobody's life is perfect. everybody has to go through some tough times. mine is nothing compared to those who are handicapped, raped, murdered, etc. yet it's affecting me so much more than i thought it would.

told all this to my mum, she said i am a minah. minah, hand out with friends, go home, sleep, wake up the next morning without doing any homework. she also said i'm self-indulgent. hello, this is insecurity speaking, not arrogance or self-centeredness.

and i find this insecurity biting into everything that i do, to the point of me even questioning WHAT i can do.

i know i may sound whiny now. i might be complaining too much. i have supportive family members;sure we may have our differences but they're overall supportive, what the hell am i delving into all this negativity before?

answer? i don't know. i don't know who i am, i don't know what i'm doing on the face of this earth sometimes. why did my parents want a daughter, i don't know. all i know is that i'm nadiah and that when i go to school i'm this hyper bouncy freak, probably to get attention to escape life.then when i get home the tables are turned and i'm this brooding, moody, snappy, angry, angsty, whatever person, whom i swear i don't know where she (it) came from.

it doesn't help when people don't appreciate all the effort. oh, so i'm this rock-loving noisy freak who does nothing but want attention, and you're the angel? shut up okay. nobody's an angel. we've all got our own mistakes. so shut up and stop thinking you're perfect. all of you. ~~but then again, this paragraph might be another one of the figments of my (paranoid) imagination that everybody hates me.~~

whatever. just what-freaking-ever.

twisting beside myself @12:29 AM

Friday, May 04, 2007

hehe, take this quiz.

Create your own Friend Test here

i'm bored. i'm feeling hopeless. sometimes i do wonder why my mom gave birth to me.

ah wells. whatever.

twisting beside myself @1:02 PM

You Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye.

You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature.
And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone delve beyond your appearance.

You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life.
You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has past.

What Planet Should You Rule?

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

There's a 82% Chance That You Need Therapy

You needed a therapist many months ago. And you definitely need one now!
You've let your problems take over your life in an unhealthy way. It's time for some professional help.

Do You Need Therapy?

hahahahHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaHAHAHAH

You Are a Realist

You don't see the glass as half empty or half full. You see what's exactly in the glass.
You never try to make a bad situation seem better than it is...
But you also never sabotage any good things you have going on.
You are brutally honest in your assessments of situations - and this always seems to help you cope.