~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

wellllllllllllllllll, za exams are finally overr.
ENGLISH PAPER 1&2: ok.

SOCIAL STUDIES: mampos kau

BIOLOGY: eurgh.

HISTORY CORE:screwed.

MALAY PAPER 1: DIALOG =D karangan screwed.

ADDITIONAL MATHS: HMM! some Qs were easy some were difficult, but overall, kinda screwed.

CHEMISTRY: slightly screwed meh.

LITERATURE ELECTIVE: hmmmmm.

(today) MALAY PAPER 2: quite ee.

(today) ELEMENTARY MATHS: OH MY GOD IF I DIDN'T SCREW THIS WORSE THAN A MATHS THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID.

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hum. so yeah. about life nowadays.

ok. i named this blog out of a phrase from a song by The Used which is light with a sharpened edge

'It's not me
Buried wreckage my soul
It's not me so who am I now?'

and NEVER did i EVER expect these few words to completely have a meaning to me.

until this year.

i'm a freaking wreck.

i may look really happy and bouncy and laugh-y at school, but deep down inside nothing can fill in the emptiness.and i'm not trying to be emo in that sense, i really am literally emo. not the stupid eyeliner thinger, i mean this really. i'm an emotional human being. and i really just feel empty.

in school my work sucks. honestly. judging from how 'well' i've done for this mid-year, i feel like i should just give up. there's no more hope for me.

but then again, what have i got to lose? i'm not going be called 'the child whose parents are doctors but is a minah'. that's just disgusting. so whatever it is, i'm going to pull through. i HAVE to pull through, whether i like it or not. which, in this case, i don't.

and friends. honestly. i don't know whether it's me dwelling in my own insecurities or self-pity or whatever, but i feel that human beings are the most horrible disgusting creatures ever.most of the time i feel like everything i do is wrong. if i'm a bit loud, it will be unnecessary noise. if i just want to give an opinion, they'll say i'm arrogant. they'll say that i always think i'm right. i'm not always right. i'm not. so i'm sorry. fine. sometimes i MAY cross that boundary. that fine line that separates being opinionated and being snobbish. but i'm sorry. but
wasn't it you who said that nobody's perfect?

and i give up trying so hard to care about people who don't appreciate it. it saps me of what little energy i have in this really unfit body of mine.try to reach out to people to not make them feel left out, they'll scold you in return. sure, i may sound annoying. whatever. i have good intentions. i'm not an evil person. i'm not that. why can't you just stop being so stupid and see what the hell i'm trying to do here instead of being so self-absorbed?

am i referring to you? hmm. let me see. in this post i shall be very obscure about those i'm referring to. but i swear almost all the people i'm referring to now read this blog.

and i think my expectations of people are too high. i'm not acting holier-than-thou. i'm not saying, "oh, i'm an angel and therefore you should be like me too." NO. i'm just trying to do the RIGHT THINGS. i'm sorry if they came out wrong. didn't i say i wasn't perfect?

but i make it a point not to ignore anyone when in a group. if the person is quiet, i'll reach out to that person. because i personally have been left out loads of times in previous friendships, and i'm not going to let myself live in their mistakes. so when i ask you if you're okay, i'm not trying to be annoying, i'm trying to fucking reach out to you, damn it.

then comes another problem. those kinds of people, who KNOW they have more than you, but complain in your face and make you feel worse. e.g, A gets all As for her studies,and B gets mostly Fs. A goes around F saying annoying bitchy stuff like," OMG! YOU SEE LAH, I GET ONLY A1S, TSK, NOT EVEN HUNDRED PERCENT." and DESPITE B telling you to shut up, you go on with your inflated ego rubbing it in B's face as though B deserves it.

1) that shows you're a show-off, ass.

2) hello, as a friend, aren't you supposed to MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?? say stuff like," it's okay, you can do better,"NOT rubbing it into my face?

and i'm sure all of you heard about insecure people. people who haven't found peace with themselves, people who aren't sure what if they're doing is right or wrong. people who have low confidence.

well, problem is, some of us have TOO much security. please lah, underneath that smile of yours, don't tell me i don't know you have some insecurities. everyone does.and these kinds of poeple who do nothing but laugh and go 'hahahahahahhahHHhHHEHEHOUHOU' over the smallest things, well, they tak sedar diri if you get what i mean. you can't just assume whatever you do is right, can you? you have to be slightly paranoid to make sure what you're doing isn't annoying people. but apparently you don't. which is irritating.

and you all can go about saying stuff like i need to be more serious or whatever. shut up lah okay.i don't give a shit. i won't change because you told me to. this might sound contradictory to the paragraph before this, but i live by God's and my parents' rules. not yours. and in case you didn't already notice, i'm an actually very unhappy person. call me pessimistic, call me a spoilt brat, i don't care. being unhappy is an extremely horrible feeling. and i am unhappy when i go home because it's a totally different atmosphere altogether. it's where i reflect about my day, my friends, my life, my feelings, whatever, and start feeling the hollowness growing in my chest.don't you think i need to let go SOMEWHERE? what, keep it inside and go completely insane? i don't think you all would want that, do you? as it is, i'm on the edge of sanity already. one more thing and i'll totally fall into the abyss. don't make me.

and well. school work is one thing. friends and people's bullshit is another. health is also, another.

while you all know that i'm not exactly slim, i eat chocolates as an escape.it might be an excuse, that's what my mom told me, but i don't know. to me, it helps.

but everything has its good and bad points. while it helps temporarily, it'll make me fatter and more annoyed with myself. plus, i'm also sleeping more this year.why? it is another form of escapism. it's not right, but i shall say this once again, I'M NOT PERFECT.

when i want to study, i look at the book and once again, am haunted by the hollowness deep inside. it really affects me a lot. why'd you think i go do something stupid like what i did that other day, which some of you might know of? it's this emptiness, this hollowness, this depression.

last resort? GOD. but it's not always as easy as it seems. it really isn't.

i am aware that my problems are surmountable. i'm just letting them get the better of me. i know there are other people out there worse than me. they've suffered much more. but nobody's life is perfect. everybody has to go through some tough times. mine is nothing compared to those who are handicapped, raped, murdered, etc. yet it's affecting me so much more than i thought it would.

told all this to my mum, she said i am a minah. minah, hand out with friends, go home, sleep, wake up the next morning without doing any homework. she also said i'm self-indulgent. hello, this is insecurity speaking, not arrogance or self-centeredness.

and i find this insecurity biting into everything that i do, to the point of me even questioning WHAT i can do.

i know i may sound whiny now. i might be complaining too much. i have supportive family members;sure we may have our differences but they're overall supportive, what the hell am i delving into all this negativity before?

answer? i don't know. i don't know who i am, i don't know what i'm doing on the face of this earth sometimes. why did my parents want a daughter, i don't know. all i know is that i'm nadiah and that when i go to school i'm this hyper bouncy freak, probably to get attention to escape life.then when i get home the tables are turned and i'm this brooding, moody, snappy, angry, angsty, whatever person, whom i swear i don't know where she (it) came from.

it doesn't help when people don't appreciate all the effort. oh, so i'm this rock-loving noisy freak who does nothing but want attention, and you're the angel? shut up okay. nobody's an angel. we've all got our own mistakes. so shut up and stop thinking you're perfect. all of you. ~~but then again, this paragraph might be another one of the figments of my (paranoid) imagination that everybody hates me.~~

whatever. just what-freaking-ever.

twisting beside myself @12:29 AM

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