~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Saturday, July 28, 2007

ok well, so i didn't go for ATC camp. meh. big friggin deal. i have a piano exam next wednesday and the CAs are coming up. it's just too bloody bad if i don't get promoted or something just because i didn't go for this camp. and i'm not the only one, half my squad (seriously.) didn't go. kinda a bad example for the juniors, though. i hope they don't get any funny ideas for next year's sec 3 ATC camp.

anyway,

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha. under pressure by Queen and David bowie. i giggled like a babi when i watched it.

AND! i've just heard their bohemian rhapsody song yesterday and got addicted to it until today. i swear it's one of the best songs ever written. go hear!

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ok, so for what i wanted to say, which was 'a lot of things' that i said i would blog about in a post below.

1) You know the stupid realm i created of hating shallow people just to suit MY kind of world? i think i'm destroying it. the realm i mean.

i realise it's bloody unrealistic to wish and hope for a world where nobody is shallow and everyone loves each other and world peace is present.

then why, you ask, was i so strongly against shallowness at one point of time?

well, first of all i'm a very obsessive person and once i am very enthusiastic about something i really REALLY am enthusiastic about it.

so when i felt really strongly against shallow people, i really felt it if you know what i mean.

and the thing about my 'i hate you, i hate me, i hate the whole world coz everyone's goddamned shallow' mentality, i think i'm trying to scrape it off my life too.

it's only MY fault that i'm fat, and i don't think i should expect people to just go around and NOT say i'm not fat, coz the truth remains that i am.

anyway, i also realise that being shallow is really unavoidable. if no one was shallow, we would not be doing the following:

(1) ogle at hot guys/girls
(2) keep commenting about how fat/short/tall/skinny/pretty/ugly/whatever the person is
(3) judge people by their looks
(4) hate people just because they dig their noses publicly [most of the time, they are just rumours]

and plenty of other things. i'm guilty about the first 2 things i've just stated.

however, that doesn't mean i'm TOTALLY off this 'hate shallow people' mentality. i still am, but not as strongly. i just don't like it how people keep saying over-cliched things like

"Don't judge a book by its cover"

when you damn well know that EVERYONE does. or at least, a majority of the fucked up human race.

my dad said before, that 'as human beings, we love beautiful things'.

which i think is partially true and partially B.S. it's true that we all love beautiful things, like flowers, or nice clothes, or nice pencil cases etc, etc, etc.

but i don't think we should ALWAYS love people just coz they're beautiful. that's plain B.S and you might not agree with me, but i feel it only requires nothing but self-control, not that stupid excuse.

thus, as a conclusion,

i'm officially scraping off this 'strictly-no-shallow-people' mentality. be shallow if you want, but that doesn't mean i'll like you either :D
since i'm destroying that mentality, i'm destroying the so-called 'realm of unshallowness' that i've created, and i do apologise for any inconvenience/insure feelings that i've caused all of you.
but that doesn't mean you have the right to call me fat and ugly to my goddamned face. get it? coz nobody deserves that.

----------

2) In a recent squabble with a friend, and a good one too, i realise that i always make the mistake of not being able to accept people's flaws.

i asked mum what that meant, and she said i'm being unrealistic. as usual.

and i also realise that i do that a lot.

i don't know why. call it retardedness if you want,but i don't usually detect anger until i go home and mope over the situation. then, i'll need to vent out my anger. how? i call the person/sms the person/go online and hope that the person is there just to tell off the person.

there have been a few victims of this crazy volcano behaviour. so if you are one of them, i'm really, really sorry. it's just me. i'm trying to stop it, but it's hard. because all my life i've been a nice person hoping for a nice friend but all i get is emotional baggage which, if i keep to myself, i'll go absolutely insane.

and i also realise that i have a problem with accepting. reason? i can't even accept myself.

what i think your reaction is now: 'so? is that supposed to be MY problem?'

my answer: no it's not. it's just that, to accept people's flaws, you have to accept your own, which i haven't even come close to doing. i'm trying to accept myself first, then that's when i'll accept everybody else, but it's usually futile.

so, i'm also trying to improve in that aspect. remember when i wrote a post about people putting on shows? i was referring to myself too. i put on a show of a happy-go-lucky person who is perfect at school. but you all SERIOUSLY don't know who i am at home.

and i also think you guys should give me credit.because remember, all those times you snapped at me, made me feel really pissed off, or irritated me, i kept it all inside and tried to be patient. i think that's also accepting, in a way. even if you have pissed me off so badly, i just kept it inside and refuse to show it, because it's a bloody show.

and you might think now that i'm retarded for keeping it all inside and exploding one fine day. well, wasn't it YOU who said nobody was perfect and that you should accept people's flaws? this is one of mine.

so, as a conclusion:

i might seem like i'm perfect with people, but truth is, i'm far from it.
i'll try to accept everybody's flaws from now on. even if it kills me.
you should accept mine too.
whenever i try to care, do NOT make it seem as though you don't give a shit about me. it hurts a lot. and that's why i always get pissed off for the smallest things.

i'm done.

twisting beside myself @5:12 PM

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