~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

hello there! my first real post since the change of blogskin :D

you may be wondering why, but i think there are a few reasons for that.

1) there's nothing much to update about

2)there's not much time to update (haha whatever, i haven't even hit the books these holidays)

3)i am very lazy to update

haha, the usual -_-

---

i've just been thinking yesterday.

it's strange how i seem to be the inspiration for some people, when i always feel hopeless for myself.

it's strange how i always seem to be happy and laugh-y, when it only makes me more empty inside.

it's strange how i really like putting a smile on people's faces, and (according to them) i am effective of doing that when they feel down, but i can't do that for myself.

don't get me wrong, this isn't another one of my numerous emo posts;moreover, a reflection, a self-evaluation.

it's just ironic and strange, you know? (notice i didn't use funny, cos it's really not funny, laughable maybe, but NOT funny)

like i'm always so optimistic for people, but pessimistic about myself. (heha which reminds me 'For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic' by Paramore is veh nice)

hmm.

and i realise i REALLY have not much time to study for these holidays (yes, i'm over the hopelessness-after-bad-results phase)

i mean, i'm going to cambodia on the 20th to 26th for some npcc cip trip thinger, and that's only days away and i have not started studying (except maybe 1 and a half topics of a maths tys, and even then i don't know how to do some questions).

not to mention, i've got tuition and all the TYS homework to do. tell me, is it possible to complete 4 ten-year-series books ( e maths, a maths, bio, chem) by the end of this holiday?

answer: only if you mug like a dog every single day and are extra determined.

it bothers me that i'm supposed to be determined to prove to my teachers that i'm not a loser, and yet i'm just sitting and lazing around and being damn complacent.

oh yes, and i've forgotten about history and lit, BOTH of which are content-based subjects. history heavier, of course.

haha, and i've written a 'what to study for the holidays' list way before extended studies, but of course it just stays in a pristine condition (no cancellations whatsoever), pasted on my white board.

gah... i have to buck up. i mean it. i'm hovering around the bottom of my class (literally i am, i just checked my class position the other day and i wasn't shocked because i had expected it, i was more of disgusted.) and i need to sky rocket up to the top ten, however that's possible.

and the only way to do that is to do very well for the first term, so self-doubt and hopelessness are things that are SO from the past, and i can just really continue to improve from there.

but getting into it, trying to change, that's the hard part, you know? it's so easy to relapse into my effed up old ways.

okay, sorry. didn't mean to type all that, it just came to mind.

and i know you're wondering, what kind of idiot am i, complaining and whining endlessly when some people out there don't even have homes or are starving to death? (i might be envious of the latter, seeing that their bodies are much nicer than mine, all skin and bones)

the thing is, i KNOW there are other people out there are having more problems than me. mine aren't even proper PROBLEMS to begin with. exams and occasional arguments with my parents and normal teenage insecurities.

which is why i try my best to be optimistic about everyone and helping them out, and maybe one day go to some orphanage or something. (haha, i think i've just answered my own question at the start of the post)

and sometimes, when life seems very hopeless and bleak, i try to make myself feel better by saying that there are people who are much less fortunate out there. that i am being whiny in a HOUSE, and that i still have FAMILY MEMBERS whom i can rely on. some people don't even have that.

also, when i'm feeling down about my exams, and ask myself what i did (or did not do, in this case) to deserve all this, i try and think about other people. what did some do to get raped? what did some do to get involved in wars where they are being killed for no reason? what did some people do to have spouses involved in adultery (this may seem very trivial compared to the rest, but i still consider it as a Huge Pain. especially when someone i know recently found this out.)

optimism....

meh. ok honestly i don't know where this post is going, so i might as well end it here. goodbye people! and if you have hopelessness issues as i do, just remember you're better off than some other people.

twisting beside myself @11:00 AM

blog

tag

links