~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Sunday, November 18, 2007

well, sergeant test was shit. as expected.

CI brought a guy friend CI who looked like one of my classmates. haha, insult to her actually.

CI was somehow trying to 'impress' friend (whom we later assumed was her boyfriend) by reminding us over and over again that we should not embarrass her in front of friend.

Well, so the test was shit because:

1) My commanding sucked. i was so nervous i sort of became blur. then the guy CI who at first i thought was nice cos he helped me a lot, later told our CI that our drills were 'fucked up'.

yes, and she actually SAID those words out loud. i was shocked.

guy CI is so hypocritical man.

gave me a sarcastic smile when i was soft and my friends couldn't hear me when i said stop hentak-kaki drill.

fannoying, to summarise how he was. the only good thing about him was that he was about my height or slightly taller, so i didn't feel intimidated. HAH.

2) during MOI, the CIs laughed because i was long-winded. like, wow. if you're not going to be encouraging, then what's the fucking point of us coming and obviously trying our BEST to please you, only to get laughed at?

stupid.

i told ida yesterday that i don't care about NPCC. but somehow failing to do well in the test.. affects me. it's really weird. but i think it's a self-esteem thing again, just as everything else is.

oh yeah, and i actually teared a bit when, after my second chance of commanding, the guy CI gave us feedback about our 'level of confidence which is tak gerek' and 'it won't be good if you keep stuttering'. i have no idea why. he was obviously referring to me.

i'm not being perasaan or something, but there's something about me that makes teachers, or people with authority in general, to pick on me. am i so freaking retarded? am i such an open book , that you can read expressions on my face so easily? do i get negative attention easily with things like my laughter and my blurness?

what is wrong with me?

fine. so it isn't the CI's fault that i sucked and he had to pick on me because i sucked. but why am i always being picked on by everyone? is it a way for everyone to acknowledge my insecurities? by using me, taking advantage of me, or picking on me?

or is it because of my parents that i'm being treated this way? i know some teachers pick on me cos of this. but sometimes i just wish that they would look at me as a normal STUDENT instead of someone's daughter. must i always stand out like a sore thumb? i like being different, but i don't want to be a freak, if you get what i mean.

it sucks.

so anyway, he was saying how soft i was and how the other three people were fine. WOW.

but i give him credit for trying to be nice, when CIs can be real assholes sometimes. and i think it was because of his presence today that made our CI actually be.. ok. i wouldn't even say harsh. we didn't even do one push up for the numerous amount of mistakes we made, for God's sake.

but anyway, the whole thing sucks. and this sounds frigging weird but by not being able to pass sergeant test( or at least i feel like it) sort of... hurts.more so than exams. maybe it's because you see people being disappointed in front of your face, while exams are counted as your personal achievement.

but to put in so much effort, and actually see them happy sometimes, you'd find it hard to replicate it for future situations. i'm not perfect.

you know, i think i don't like NPCC cos it's given me a lot of emotional baggage. arhhhhh. bye.

oh you know, gaspard ulliel's coming to cambodia on the 26th and we're leaving on the 25th, haha, WOW.

twisting beside myself @6:57 AM

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