Sunday, February 17, 2008
i love the first part of this video. so selambe. hahaha.
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so, i'm sec four now.
that means i'm a senior of NPCC.
that means the rest of my squadmates and i get the NPCC room to ourselves and leave our stuff lying around.
that means, we can treat the room like our own.
which means, changing in the room.
:D
if you ask me, changing clothes in front of people requires an enormous amount of self-esteem, which is why i do so in the toilet.
but for convenience's sake, some people just do it there in the NPCC room.
and me, being well, ME, i just can't help but stare.
now you all must think i'm a perverted lesbian who goes around staring at girls changing clothes, but no.
i'm not extremely straight, but i'm still pretty much straight.
and i don't ogle,i admire.
there's a difference you know.
it's just that their bodies are so freakin' HAWT.
they've all got flat tummies, something i only dream of having or only get the illusion of having when i haven't eaten much.
they've got boobs :O
and they've got pretty nice legs.
oooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
i want!!!
i didn't even realise i was staring yesterday after NPCC, until farzean smiled at me. then i was like," oops, sorreh."
BUT IT'S SO. PURDY. not trying to be a shallow bastard, but beauty does amaze you. especially seeing it coming from their bodies.
rawwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh.
i want it so badly. if i ever become slim, i'd actually feel normal. i'd be able to go into any clothes store and get anything in a size S, or M maximum, and look freaking good in it.
)=
and i've just been thinking again, and this time i've been thinking about how being slim can do wonders to your self-confidence. it's not shallow, i feel. it's just a harsh fact of life.
i know of some overweight people who are happy, but i just can't be like that. i don't know why.
i don't know if it's because i feel so self-conscious whenever i go out of the house.
i don't know if it's because my brothers constantly call me names.
i don't know if it's because of my mother always telling me that i'll look better if i 'just lose 20kg'.
and it doesn't help that i'm starting to get my appetite back. it's still like a mad dog barking furiously because it's being tied to a leash, but the leash is loosening.
still, i'm quite amazed at how my appetite has reduced. i remember earlier this week i think,when i ate one whole plate of rice for recess and felt nauseated after that.
but, arghhh. prom's this year. i can't go looking like this! and i remember distinctly in primary 6, another hectic exam year, when i sacrificed how i looked (bingeing on chocolates a LOT) for my studies.
in the end i looked like my ez-link card photo. *shudders at thought of ez-link picture, and frowns at the fact that a bus driver who saw a sticker on it asked me to take it off*
i just need...balance i guess. work and play, eating excessively and moderately.
in the end, my whole life boils down to self-control, which... sucks.
:(
if only i had listened to my mother telling me that i 'will regret it later on in life' when i was eating like nobody's business when i was young.
if only i had controlled myself since last time. i wouldn't be in this rut now.
still, i can hope for change.
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OOOH! I FOUND ONE PICTURE WHERE I DON'T LOOK LIKE A DUDE. =D=D=D
but i think it's just the flowers. -_-
twisting beside myself @1:17 PM