~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I give up on my plan of sleeping in the afternoon and waking up at night to study till the wee hours of the morning.

This is because:

By the time i'm awake to study, everyone will be sleeping, and it sometimes scares me shitless.
I somehow achieve less than i want to at night.
I sleep through my dinner time, and thus i don't eat dinner. Which makes me very hungry.
The silence of the night time is something i love, because it is the time i reflect about my life and think about things which i don't think about during the day time.
However, this is a nuisance because i get all this random,unnecessary thoughts and emotions which i don't want to be thinking or feeling.

And my thoughts have been revolving around this one particular thing this someone has said, which was extremely tactless, and had all its negative implications.

You know, I can't stand it when people look at me like i'm some kind of retard from hell.

I mean, not meaning to sound arrogant, but if i WERE a retard from hell, i wouldn't even be in this school, damn you.

So maybe i don't blame you for thinking i'm a retard from hell.The decisions i have made for the past one year and three months have been pretty retarded.

I mean, being bothered by things is something which is in your control. Getting bothered by self-induced feelings and depression and self-induced problems is indeed, retarded.

But the way you look at me, like i'm not worth your time, it really bothers me. (And in this case, i don't really think it's very much in my control.)

So i reiterate that my DECISIONS are retarded. But i don't think i'm intellectually deficient.

I'm just stating my opinion here: I do NOT think that bad grades in our school is due to intellectual deficiency. I know supremely intelligent people who have wasted their potential and thus, the bad grades. But are they lacking intelligence? The answer is smacking- in- the- face obvious - NO.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to state that i'm intelligent or anything, because i myself believe i'm average, or only slightly above average and i don't come close to being a genius at all.

But to just look down on me and think i'm a retard - Actions speaks so much louder than words, so it doesn't matter if it isn't being said - is just unacceptable.

I've talked to some people about this, and some have told me to look at the glass half full. I've improved and that is solid proof that i'm not retarded.

So, if you're going to call me a retard, or think it, or have body language where it is written all over, I confess. I can't take it.

But now, it's not a matter of not being able to take it anymore.

Now, i WON'T take it. Got that?

twisting beside myself @5:05 AM

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