WILKOMMEN
:3
Bill Kaulitz is teh seks. <3
I also wish for world peace, end of poverty,happiness and justice for everyone. :]
I seriously am supposed to be studying or doing something useful in my life now, but let me just say a few more things here before i take a permanent hiatus till after the prelims perhaps
i was listening to this song during recess today, and it reminded me of selfless, caring and beautiful people.
do watch it. the song and visuals are amazing.
and by the way, i went to parkway yesterday to have lunch with my family. then i went to borders, and saw this book called
'God is not great - How religion poisons everything'
I read the reviews, ALL of which were EXTREMELY good.
In my opinion, things like that deserved to be banished from earth.
Downright blasphemy, by OBVIOUS atheists. Go and kill yourself, please.
twisting beside myself @7:36 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyxlKVhWfuw
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEEE THAT DANCE! (Ps, spoiler alert. It's the new So You Think You Can Dance season)
I wish i can dance like that in school.
But oh well, i've created my own dance moves already *winks at Atifa and Ida*
You know, i feel very cheated. When i saw a classmate eating an ice cream at the bus stop, i was suddenly filled with a very strong CRAVING to buy one.
So i did, then i came home, and then just as i bit into it, the whole cone fell apart. And thus i was forced to quickly bite and lick the chocolate of my fingers.
Damn you suunnnnnnnnnn.
He's so dreamyyyy when he was younger
:D
twisting beside myself @5:54 PM
Monday, July 28, 2008
I listened to that yesterday, very nostalgically (it was a very sec 2 song), and i got reminded of certain. Things.
But right now, i'm beginning to accept that it's all fate. If i had just gone on living a lie, where would the limit be?
And this may be really painful - I'm not going to pretend - but perhaps it's all for the best. Other people in the world get divorced. How is it that they can come out of it, scarred no doubt, but still being able to survive?
Different wavelengths, that was the problem. There's no doubt that it hurt because it had already run so deep. But now that both parties have already found their allies, i really feel it's better this way.
There's the occasional void that needs to be filled. I felt it just yesterday. But i have so many people backing me up. THEY are the ones who can fill the void.
So, to sum up what the heck i'm trying to say here :
1) I've already accepted it. Moved on? Almost.
2) I want to say a HUGE, LARGE, GARGANTUAN thank you to those who have been my living sanctuaries through this whole thing:
-God.
-My family
- Atifa, Aishah, Ida, Shahirah, Kapoor, Shahiylia. After all that's happened, i love you guys more than ever.
- My classmates who emphatised with me
I hope this is the last i'm going to mention about this problem. Now, on to the prelims.
twisting beside myself @11:13 AM
Friday, July 25, 2008
ahkehrsfaye.
[On the language barrier] 'Yeah it was really a challenge for me cuz i always sang in german and my english as i said is so bad, and i'm a perfectionist, i really wanted to sound like a native speaker and not a german who tried to speak english *weird hand gestures* ' hehehehehehhe beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel kaulitz.
Not like you're going to watch that video anyway, but oh well. Personal guilty pleasure ;)
Wellzus, i had actually blasted some things before this, but i figured that it really wasn't worth it.
But just to summarise that post though, i'm just appalled at the morals (or rather, severe lack of it) of some people. It's amazing how they can embody everything you told yourself you would never, ever be.
And at least if you were,even for a short period of time, you wouldn't wallow in it and be proud of it.
But oh well. *shrugs* Some people are just born that way, i suppose.
And today, we had this talk and i was wincing at what was being said. Not because i was directly involved, but i found the contents of the talk to be slightly... propaganda-ish. It's more brain-washing than it is sound advice.
They really should have taken in consideration the possibility of there being ___ in the audience.
Okay, back to more tokio hotel youtube-ing! Damn am i obsessed.
twisting beside myself @5:43 PM
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sooooo. Today's zany parade and i didn't turn up. Gloria called me right after i finished praying in the morning, begging me to come. Haha.
It wasn't worthless, though. I did do some things at home.
And i just realised that somehow, somewhere, and at some point of time, i just gave up.
Well. You brought it on yourself.
twisting beside myself @1:37 PM
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Well, i take it back. All that regret, i mean.
You know, it's one thing to be in the wrong and not know it.
It's another thing to deny your mistakes.
It's a third thing to be supremely self-indulgent.
And, to top the cake, it's a HUGE mistake to be arrogant.
By the way, the devil officially became a fallen angel because of arrogance. And i'm not about to tell that whole Adam and Eve story, because i think you know what i mean.
twisting beside myself @11:03 PM
Your own victim
I can't carry on like this anymore. Today is the third Saturday in a row which i've spent on emotions.
But I came up with a solution : I'm just going to be frank from now on. Not in-your-face-and- disgustingly- insensitive frank, but frank as in, i'll tell you when you say or do things which affect me.
Because I've already accidentally eliminated someone i care about from my life, or at least it seems like it. I don't want to do that. Not again.
I'm not like this because i want to hurt anyone. Like i've already said, I'm not that inhumane. I don't find pleasure at the expanse of people. The only times i do that is when i truly hate someone.
But i don't hate you. I never did.
So, i'm making a change of heart. Right now. I'll rather be frank and hurt you immediately and then get all those weird feelings over and done with, rather than accumulate it until it drives both you and I insane.
I'm sorry. I really hope that anyone who has encountered this dark side of mine forgives me.
From today onwards, i'm coming clean.
twisting beside myself @4:20 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Muse
Haha my brother.
*Seeing me watch a Tokio Hotel interview, and points to Bill Kaulitz*
Him: Kakak, is that a man or a woman?
Me: -__-" Man. Duh.
Him: Are you serious?
Me: Yes.
Him: Are you really sure? Why does he look so girly? Did he go for a sex change?
Me: NO. -__________________-
Him: Eee. He looks like a faggot.
Me: He's not. He's straight.
And here's proof:
haha. Bill is not your conventional type of hot guy, but i think, for some strange reason, i'm very attracted to him
Hehums.
My VERY square and narrow-minded mother was cursing him when she saw me printing pictures of him.
"...EEE GOD LOOK AT THAT.."
"...IF YOU BRING HOME SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT AH NADIAH, I SWEAR I'LL.."
"YUCK, LOOK AT THAT YANG(my father) LOOK WHAT NADIAH HAS ON THE COMPUTER"
.
.
.
.
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.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Whatever.
Anyhoos, i was about to write something very emotional up here but then i watched youtube and i watched BILL(:D) and then i felt better.
Haha.
Tata.
Well actually, before i go, i'll just say a short summary here:
-Perhaps some things are my fault, but other things aren't.
-I didn't want to prolong this feeling, but it is inevitable now.
-I don't expect to be treated like a queen, but i want my existence and presence to at least be ACKNOWLEDGED.
-And other than that, besides feeling a tinge of melancholy and having a whole lot of deep thinking, i really do not know what else to do, or say.
twisting beside myself @6:14 PM
Monday, July 14, 2008
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Anyway, the prospect of having a German song in my ipod makes me feel all. Tingly. :D
One thing i'd like to do after the o's : Learn how to speak German.
twisting beside myself @5:58 PM
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Restless
I think i am an introvert.
Yesterday, as i was walking into the school building i saw this friend, whom i am fond of, being dropped off by her mother.
My response? Pretend i didn't see her, look front and nowhere else that may suggest that i may have seen her, and walk quickly into school, and up to my classroom.
Doing that may come across as arrogant,unfriendly and cold. But the truth is, i'm just highly introverted. When i say personal space, i mean personal space. I don't even want anyone i'm close to, except maybe the people in my clique and some other people, coming near me. I just need to be alone.
And then, after school,i went home with ida, seeing that Atifa and Aishah had their oral exam. Ida and i decided to take a different route home, using bus 33 (nostalgic sec 1 days lol). I dropped off at the Kembangan MRT bus stop.
Then, as i was about to alight, i paused. I saw this guy friend of mine outside, directly in front of me. Apparently, even as i stepped out of the bus, he didn't notice me.
I was deliberating between whether i should tap him on the shoulder and say hello, or let it be and walk away.
Sadly, i chose the latter, and walked away quickly, feeling quite appalled with myself.
For the life of me, i could never really understand why i'm like this. I do socialise and I have friends, but out in the open when i'm alone... It's different.
Well, anyways.
Yes, Diy and i have patched up. But i can't deny that there will still be scars. I will move on, but i don't think i will forget.
I never really forget.
This incident has caused me to think a lot about some things.
Why is it that i have to harbour so much unnecessary and unwanted feelings all the time? To the extent that they lap up at me, bit by bit, till one fine day i just explode? Or to the extent that, my perception of some people gets so horribly tainted?
Why is it so hard to confront people immediately when they do things that offend me? Why must i always keep it inside, sweep it under the carpet until the carpet is a mountain?
Why are there so many layers of feelings within me, which obscure the way to finding my core? Who am i, really? My core seems to be so shrouded by all these... these weird feelings.
Oh no, wait a second. Did that sentence just contradict your perception of me? An open book?
twisting beside myself @6:21 PM
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Today started off fairly well.
On my way to school, i saw a very familiar car, and then i saw a very familiar face(haha) look at me from inside the car. Jo's mum gave me a lift to school.
Before assembly, i met bibah, who looked really sad.
After assembly i walked to someone at the back of my row, seeing i'm not on good terms with someone standing near me.
During maths i was totally focusing, so much that i didn't realise someone had broke one of her stationaries because of anger management issues. And she was glaring at me as well , which i really didn't realise.
History was next. The relief teacher made an attempt to teach. But it was obvious not many were listening. I was also talking to Kapoor.
I was quite calm during malay as well. I was actually quite proud of myself for scoring in this part of a test paper which i usually never do well in.
And then, there was recess.
Slacked in the NP room with Serious and Tips. The rest of the squad came not much later. Talked outside the NP room.We were quite unhappy with some changes that had taken place after we had the Passing Out Parade.
And then, there was Bio.
Sam, who was in my banded bio class, told me certain people had lost their composure during
recess. Shah told me other shocking things about certain people as well.
Well truth be told, my hands were really cold after that. I was panicking. I decided to make things clear by writing a note, which i thought would salvage the situation.
And, as expected, it didn't.
During english i was being screamed at by someone who isn't my teacher, and in front of the whole class at that. Things just started spinning out of control from then on.
It was all confusion, misunderstanding, and tears.
And the teacher, who was confused about the whole thing herself, tried hearing both sides of the story.
It took the whole english period. I apologised to my teacher for wasting her time.
Chem,cried till my eyes were swollen.
Do you really want to know what it's like being hurt? It accumulates like fats, and i'm sorry for the lack of good analogies. It happens everyday. And those doing it to you, they don't realise it. I don't really take note of when i eat chocolates and when i don't.
Like fats, it's my fault for me not losing weight. Similarly, it's my fault for not saying it on the spot. I guess i should really reconsider the way i bottle up feelings. But that doesn't make anybody else less wrong.
Look here, i feel as cheated as you do, ok?
Why is it that many people i run into get angry/pissed at me whenever i do things, and refuse to look into their own faults?Is it an ego problem? Human nature perhaps? Why must I always be the one running around, fussing, making sure things are alright? I'm sick of doing it. I have my own pride too. And this is the last straw.
So, my initial plans of just being civil have backfired. Most of these kinds of confrontations just backfire eventually.
I think i've made some mistakes, but i'm not the one totally at fault here.
So anyway, that formed the gist of the day. Nothing much happened after that, save for maybe those throbbing headaches you get if you think too deeply about something, and swollen eyes which still hurt.
And thanks to some of my classmates. I really appreciate it.
I just took three of those panadol-like pills, the ones i took excessively before my Malay O'levels. Just an amusing memory. I unknowingly could've killed myself that day.
twisting beside myself @6:13 PM
tips
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ida
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ain
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