~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Restless

I think i am an introvert.

Yesterday, as i was walking into the school building i saw this friend, whom i am fond of, being dropped off by her mother.

My response? Pretend i didn't see her, look front and nowhere else that may suggest that i may have seen her, and walk quickly into school, and up to my classroom.

Doing that may come across as arrogant,unfriendly and cold. But the truth is, i'm just highly introverted. When i say personal space, i mean personal space. I don't even want anyone i'm close to, except maybe the people in my clique and some other people, coming near me. I just need to be alone.

And then, after school,i went home with ida, seeing that Atifa and Aishah had their oral exam. Ida and i decided to take a different route home, using bus 33 (nostalgic sec 1 days lol). I dropped off at the Kembangan MRT bus stop.

Then, as i was about to alight, i paused. I saw this guy friend of mine outside, directly in front of me. Apparently, even as i stepped out of the bus, he didn't notice me.

I was deliberating between whether i should tap him on the shoulder and say hello, or let it be and walk away.

Sadly, i chose the latter, and walked away quickly, feeling quite appalled with myself.

For the life of me, i could never really understand why i'm like this. I do socialise and I have friends, but out in the open when i'm alone... It's different.

Well, anyways.

Yes, Diy and i have patched up. But i can't deny that there will still be scars. I will move on, but i don't think i will forget.

I never really forget.

This incident has caused me to think a lot about some things.

Why is it that i have to harbour so much unnecessary and unwanted feelings all the time? To the extent that they lap up at me, bit by bit, till one fine day i just explode? Or to the extent that, my perception of some people gets so horribly tainted?

Why is it so hard to confront people immediately when they do things that offend me? Why must i always keep it inside, sweep it under the carpet until the carpet is a mountain?

Why are there so many layers of feelings within me, which obscure the way to finding my core? Who am i, really? My core seems to be so shrouded by all these... these weird feelings.

Oh no, wait a second. Did that sentence just contradict your perception of me? An open book?

twisting beside myself @6:21 PM

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