WILKOMMEN
:3
Bill Kaulitz is teh seks. <3
I also wish for world peace, end of poverty,happiness and justice for everyone. :]
Tired of listening to cheesy love songs.
Over angsty songs.
Sick of sulking, though i like wearing black almost everyday...
Hate the phobia of eye contact at school.
Abhor the fact that i didn't do anything wrong and still feel this way.
-_-
tell me, what is it about the idiot that makes me love him? Yes, it must be that awful feeling-love.
If it wasn't i wouldn't be thinking about him 24/7, avoiding him but also staring at him whenever i see him...
I wouldn't be so hurt.
After all the shit he's put me through, how the hell can i still feel this way?
twisting beside myself @4:57 AM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
sooooo. :)
i bunked school today. HEHE. (i don't know if that word is a proper word in the dictionary but the british kids use it to mean play truant) The best part is the reception person who answered my call believed i was ill!
i did not bunk for fun though, i really have to get my biology coursework done! I have only biology lessons from 9am-12.15pm today but i can cover those topics myself these weekends and besides, i still have three weeks more with my teacher before the exam so...yeah.
ahhhh. my exams are in may. for some stupid reason, i don't feel the pressure yet. only very subtlely.
speaking of exams though, i got back some results from my mock exams. maths was okay but chem was... uh o_O lol. 60% :S not horrible but certainly far from fantastic. but i'm not feeling that worried about it, considering i didn't revise properly at all.
and speaking of exams, can i just mention that, no offense, the students in my school are fucking pathetic? -_-
EVERYONE, and believe me when i say this, EVERYONE cheated.Or at least 98%. Except maybe me.(not trying to be self-righteous or something but you get the picture)
Though the mock exams were carried out in what was supposed to be 'exam conditions', all the students still had their bags in the room. Some people had cards in their hands, some whispered answers to each other during the exams (-_-),and some had formulas which they put in their transparent pencil cases facing them, some people were very obviously looking at each others' papers (lol one guy who sat between me and kutu who did that more that three times to both of us got told off and kicked out of the exam xD) ,and the rest guessed which past year paper was going to be tested and went to print off the answer scheme from the internet and studied from that. -_-
excuse me, no integrity please? I mean really, what's the point of getting good grades when you know it wasn't your effort, just your slyness that got you there?
And the worst part is, my friend mohani told me, the teachers know that the students are cheating, but don't want to do anything about it because apparently it's 'just a mock exam'. Um, what did they say about it being under 'exam conditions' again? -_-
And regarding something else... Well, about P. i'm feeling quite guilty now cos i can tell she trusts me but i'm just betraying her trust. like i said before, i don't do these things intentionally. I'm far from a perfect person, but i do try to be a good person to everyone. However when they do things to me that show how horrible they are (and many times not even aware about it) , i just don't know what to do. Because i don't think i deserve to be treated this way, like a broom.
I know friendship is all about accepting flaws, etc but it's.... more difficult with her. I don't really believe in herd mentality but many people don't like her, including M.And i find i can relate to M more than her anyway; with M it's easy to talk to, laugh with, share my problems with, and vice versa. I just can't do that with P.
Hmmm these things really get to me.
And i'm still recovering from heartbreak but i think... i sort of have the hots for someone now. Not that i'm going to do anything about it ; i don't want to be hurt that way again =)
thanks to R i don't trust boys at this age. i'm not generalising but from what i've realised, many of them are immature, insensitive, apathetic, and far from what you would consider a gentleman.
But then again that's maybe the boys in my school, not the whole world :) anyway my new motto in love is 'never fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you'. i got that from some random facebook bumper sticker i think.
well, it's off to HIV and treatments for it now! Good day to you all :)
twisting beside myself @4:28 PM
Monday, April 27, 2009
changed blogskin :3 i love it, except the small font.
things have been more or less okay lately. the mocks was okay albeit me not studying, as i knew some stuff already from previous tests.now i just hope my parents don't freak out if i get a C or D or even worse - fail ):
i've been doing the same things - being sad about ******, doing homework, and currently working on my biology coursework.
i'm now ignoring him completely, which is easier though it makes the tension i feel much worse. i just don't understand why i'm still bothered by it, it's been two months already. i guess it just hurts whenever i lose someone. and this is a completely irrational way to lose someone, when i don't even know what's going on. to be honest this is the main reason i was reluctant to come back.
i just get very frustrated indeed when things have no closure. it happened before and it took a very long time to get over. it's happening again under different circumstances and i just don't know myself well enough to know how long this is going to take. i just hope and pray it doesn't affect me for the huge exams i am about to take - which are the ones i'm using to apply for dentistry. :/
people can be so heartless sometimes. thankfully there are still good people i can hold on to and rely on out there. if not... i'll just go insane.
also, i feel like i'm betraying a friend again. but i hope God and everyone else understands why. i don't do things to hurt people intentionally.
oh well. this is life. -_-
baaaacckk to aids and hiv and ways to solve em :)
twisting beside myself @2:56 AM
Friday, April 17, 2009
I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. GO. BACK. TO. LONDON.
):
I DON'T WANT EXAMS
I DON'T WANT TO FACE MY RETARDED PROBLEMS AGAIN
I DON'T WANT TO BE GONE FOR ANOTHER THREE MONTHS
I LOVE SINGAPOREEEEE
D':
i'm actually sure things would be better if the people were less. awful. ):
oh well. nothing i can do now. see ya'll at the airport and to those who can't make it, see ya'll in three months ;_;
twisting beside myself @4:53 PM
Thursday, April 09, 2009
i'm back in singapore :)
quite old news, it was from sunday, lol.
i realise now how much i miss this place and the people here. sure, i've never been patriotic and i didn't particularly like this country, but faced with the shit in london and the very different environment (often in a bad way), i realise how much i *gulps* love this country. Yes, that wasn't easy to say. All the time i've been fussing about the heat, the extremely competitive environment particularly in terms of academics , how the people in this country are sometimes so unfriendly...
But nothing beats home. Where else can i find halal food 24/7 ; text friends who reply and actually help me with my problems instead of fill me in with their life stories and bore me to death ;be with my family; go out of the house in short-sleeved clothes (there in london i cover up for two reasons -it's cold, and i stay in an Imam's house so i have to dress decently. I don't think short-sleeved shirts are indecent, but you get my drift).
And for the past few days i've been thinking about what someone told me in london.
I think it was last tuesday. I was having lunch with my friend praj and this reallyyyy nice pakistani-french guy called faisal. We bought some halal food and ate in the park, where we sat on the grass. (The british people are practically over the moon when the sun comes out. But i'm like -__- cos i went to london to escape the heat of singapore, lol. So whenever the sun comes out, people sit on the grass in the park.)
Anyway, the three of us were eating, when suddenly faisal said:
"You know sometimes, when i look at victoria (station) , i still can't believe i'm in london. Sometimes i wonder why i left france, when life was perfect."
Then i replied telling him that i felt exactly the same way. (Apparently he left france for two reasons - education and '40% because of a girl' LOL.)
Lots of things have made me ask myself if going to london was a mistake in the first place.
Firstly, let's talk logically and push emotions aside for a while. The main reason i came to london was for education. Apparently, it's easier than singapore's education.
But then i realised, singapore's education actually saved my life. I'm not boasting but i think i'm one of the better students, as compared to say, the British students. Not because of how 'bright' i am, but because of singapore's education. It's how advanced the education was that helps me now. I find that i know many things because i've done them before. I took the 'O' Levels, while the British students took GCSE (General Certificate of Secondary Education), and apparently the O's are much more difficult.
And i also like how the teachers in secondary school practically drilled information into your head. That helps me a lot now.
Sure, the competitiveness in this country is good enough to drive you nuts, but i think i have realised one thing about life in general - adverse conditions make you a better person. What doesn't kill, makes you stronger. And it applies for everything, if not most things, education included.
The second reason is stupid but inevitable - emotions. It mainly revolves around that idiot, and also the unfriendly people in my school, and how a close friend turns out to be someone i don't really like. It's stupid and it's not supposed to matter.But it does. I constantly hear my parents telling me that they sent me there for education and not for the 'people'. But it affects me a lot. And i bet if you were there it will affect you too.
I don't know what you guys think of me now, whether i've changed for the better or worse, but i'm sure of one thing - I'm very much more subdued.
I mean, i obviously can't laugh the way i do in london, people will look at me weirdly (and praj'll be like "*wtf-ed look* GROW UP!"). But my college is tiny, and i'm not being a high-class princess or something but i hate tiny places. I'm claustrophobic. Tiny places - particularly a college - means a large group of people in the same space. i can't take that. I need my own space.
Which is why i find myself always hanging out in the reception area, where, most of the time it's quiet and calm. I don't socialise. So that means it's as though i'm hiding in my own shell, refusing to come out.
That means i can't blame the people there, i don't really talk much to them, but when i get to know them i do say 'hi' and 'bye'. And the acquaintance ends there.
I don't really care about socialising, i just wish i had a close friend whom i can rely on. I do, but i have another problem - praj'll think she's 'stealing' me away from her. And i know i'm a hypocrite by announcing this on my blog : I don't really like her. She's nice sometimes but she can be really mean and conceited. And i am not a saint, nor am i completely not guilty of this, but i just don't do conceited. Friendship, to me, is a two-way thing. You tell me your stories, i tell you mine. You tell me your problems and i help you, and vice versa.We're helping each other. My friendship with her isn't like that - it's all one-sided.
The other aspect of my emotions is of course, leaving my family and friends behind in singapore. People whom i know for sure love me and accept me the way i am. People i don't feel awkward with. People i care about. People who give me support.
The third and perhaps the most important reason why i sort of regret going to London is because of religious reasons. Sure, i try to pray five times a day, i fast, etc, but i'm really far from being a truly religious person. However that doesn't mean i like to go astray. These 'muslims' in london, they scare me, to be honest. They do everything God said not to. And one of the best examples is kutu.
There's so many unislamic things happening in london. I can safely say i feel my faith eroding, a thousand doubts about God which i'm not supposed to think in my head. It's my responsibility to be a practicing Muslim, and i still try my best, but i'm getting... weaker. If you know what i mean.
This is why i'm glad i wasn't born in London. I don't blame the Muslims there,actually. Faced with that kind of wild people, you can't help but get influenced. Sure, people in london have a fancy accent, and the weather there is loads better than singapore, but the most important thing to me is religion. Which is why i'm happy to be born here. At least most, if not many, muslims in singapore are practising.
So, with all these thoughts, feelings, doubts and insecurities that i have about London, i do many times wonder if it was the right thing to do going there for education.
But as much as it sucks now, it's fate. And you can't do anything about what God fated you to have.
That, however, is the only reasoning i contend myself with.
twisting beside myself @2:29 PM
tips
aishah
ida
bibah
aputiky
shivani
lisha
kapoor
nadia lamri
charis
heeqmah
ain
natalie
hanis
shahrin
CAMBODIA Fatihah
'
My Wishlist!:
CREDITS
BLOGGER
Blogskins
Layout: crushgal
DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGER
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
me
blog
tag
links