~headlock

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Thursday, April 09, 2009

i'm back in singapore :)

quite old news, it was from sunday, lol.

i realise now how much i miss this place and the people here. sure, i've never been patriotic and i didn't particularly like this country, but faced with the shit in london and the very different environment (often in a bad way), i realise how much i *gulps* love this country. Yes, that wasn't easy to say. All the time i've been fussing about the heat, the extremely competitive environment particularly in terms of academics , how the people in this country are sometimes so unfriendly...

But nothing beats home. Where else can i find halal food 24/7 ; text friends who reply and actually help me with my problems instead of fill me in with their life stories and bore me to death ;be with my family; go out of the house in short-sleeved clothes (there in london i cover up for two reasons -it's cold, and i stay in an Imam's house so i have to dress decently. I don't think short-sleeved shirts are indecent, but you get my drift).

And for the past few days i've been thinking about what someone told me in london.

I think it was last tuesday. I was having lunch with my friend praj and this reallyyyy nice pakistani-french guy called faisal. We bought some halal food and ate in the park, where we sat on the grass. (The british people are practically over the moon when the sun comes out. But i'm like -__- cos i went to london to escape the heat of singapore, lol. So whenever the sun comes out, people sit on the grass in the park.)

Anyway, the three of us were eating, when suddenly faisal said:

"You know sometimes, when i look at victoria (station) , i still can't believe i'm in london. Sometimes i wonder why i left france, when life was perfect."

Then i replied telling him that i felt exactly the same way. (Apparently he left france for two reasons - education and '40% because of a girl' LOL.)

Lots of things have made me ask myself if going to london was a mistake in the first place.

Firstly, let's talk logically and push emotions aside for a while. The main reason i came to london was for education. Apparently, it's easier than singapore's education.

But then i realised, singapore's education actually saved my life. I'm not boasting but i think i'm one of the better students, as compared to say, the British students. Not because of how 'bright' i am, but because of singapore's education. It's how advanced the education was that helps me now. I find that i know many things because i've done them before. I took the 'O' Levels, while the British students took GCSE (General Certificate of Secondary Education), and apparently the O's are much more difficult.

And i also like how the teachers in secondary school practically drilled information into your head. That helps me a lot now.

Sure, the competitiveness in this country is good enough to drive you nuts, but i think i have realised one thing about life in general - adverse conditions make you a better person. What doesn't kill, makes you stronger. And it applies for everything, if not most things, education included.

The second reason is stupid but inevitable - emotions. It mainly revolves around that idiot, and also the unfriendly people in my school, and how a close friend turns out to be someone i don't really like. It's stupid and it's not supposed to matter.But it does. I constantly hear my parents telling me that they sent me there for education and not for the 'people'. But it affects me a lot. And i bet if you were there it will affect you too.

I don't know what you guys think of me now, whether i've changed for the better or worse, but i'm sure of one thing - I'm very much more subdued.

I mean, i obviously can't laugh the way i do in london, people will look at me weirdly (and praj'll be like "*wtf-ed look* GROW UP!"). But my college is tiny, and i'm not being a high-class princess or something but i hate tiny places. I'm claustrophobic. Tiny places - particularly a college - means a large group of people in the same space. i can't take that. I need my own space.

Which is why i find myself always hanging out in the reception area, where, most of the time it's quiet and calm. I don't socialise. So that means it's as though i'm hiding in my own shell, refusing to come out.

That means i can't blame the people there, i don't really talk much to them, but when i get to know them i do say 'hi' and 'bye'. And the acquaintance ends there.

I don't really care about socialising, i just wish i had a close friend whom i can rely on. I do, but i have another problem - praj'll think she's 'stealing' me away from her. And i know i'm a hypocrite by announcing this on my blog : I don't really like her. She's nice sometimes but she can be really mean and conceited. And i am not a saint, nor am i completely not guilty of this, but i just don't do conceited. Friendship, to me, is a two-way thing. You tell me your stories, i tell you mine. You tell me your problems and i help you, and vice versa.We're helping each other. My friendship with her isn't like that - it's all one-sided.

The other aspect of my emotions is of course, leaving my family and friends behind in singapore. People whom i know for sure love me and accept me the way i am. People i don't feel awkward with. People i care about. People who give me support.

The third and perhaps the most important reason why i sort of regret going to London is because of religious reasons. Sure, i try to pray five times a day, i fast, etc, but i'm really far from being a truly religious person. However that doesn't mean i like to go astray. These 'muslims' in london, they scare me, to be honest. They do everything God said not to. And one of the best examples is kutu.

There's so many unislamic things happening in london. I can safely say i feel my faith eroding, a thousand doubts about God which i'm not supposed to think in my head. It's my responsibility to be a practicing Muslim, and i still try my best, but i'm getting... weaker. If you know what i mean.

This is why i'm glad i wasn't born in London. I don't blame the Muslims there,actually. Faced with that kind of wild people, you can't help but get influenced. Sure, people in london have a fancy accent, and the weather there is loads better than singapore, but the most important thing to me is religion. Which is why i'm happy to be born here. At least most, if not many, muslims in singapore are practising.

So, with all these thoughts, feelings, doubts and insecurities that i have about London, i do many times wonder if it was the right thing to do going there for education.

But as much as it sucks now, it's fate. And you can't do anything about what God fated you to have.

That, however, is the only reasoning i contend myself with.

twisting beside myself @2:29 PM

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