~headlock

WILKOMMEN

Thursday, June 11, 2009

This is something which has just been lingering at the back of my mind for a while.

Things i want in a guy :

(in no particular order of importance, except of course the first one)

1) Practicing Muslim
2) Loves and cares for me unconditionally
3) Accepts me the way i am
4) More intelligent than me
5) Taller (lol)
6) Sweet
7) Sincere
8) Understanding
9) Sensitive to my feelings
10) Is not a jerk
*11) Emotional
12) Able to listen to me when i'm down
*13) Not apathetic
14) Texts/ Calls me first
15) Respects me

Of course I'm not the kind who eliminates guys from my life just because they don't fulfill those criteria. If i want them to be accepting, it has to be a quality on both parties. Anyway there's no criteria in love. I believe it transcends everything. If you really love someone, you'd do anything to make it work with them.

It's just that after one heartbreak over a matter that most would consider trivial, i wouldn't want to risk another one, knowing my own fragile nature.

So before stepping into something or taking a huge risk next time (and this applies to everything in my life), i'd like to make damn sure what i'm getting myself into.

This reminds me of what praj told me on msn recently, when we were talking about kutu. She said something along the lines of 'You don't know how to handle situations like this because you have always been so sheltered'. (Yes, she's that brash, and yes, i'm used to it, so i don't get hurt anymore -_-)

But maybe... There's some truth in her words. Because i realise that when i get hurt i make sure nothing else can hurt me the same way again, like i'm building a sort of protective barrier around me.

But is that just being an escapist from all the things life can bring you, or is that just in my nature? How is it that people can go through the most excruciating heartbreaks and still recover eventually, when for me, it's taking ages? (And in this matter i credit praj, no matter how much i've dissed her before. She lost someone she loved a lot in a car accident, and she was dating him for a year, and she doesn't even cry about it.)

Y'know sometimes i don't even know if i should just be strong and have the 'come what may' attitude, instead of cowering and hiding in my shell. I guess this is just my natural defence against whatever will affect me, like my immunity system to viruses.

Sometimes i find i'm actually scared of getting my feelings hurt. Maybe because i know how it will affect me. And again, the natural defense of hiding.

But having said all that, there seems to be some logic in the way i'm reacting. When i said love transcends everything, i mean real, pure, deep love. Not some stupid three-day infatuation you might mistake for love when it isn't (though at the time, it surely felt like it.)

And also when i say 'love', i'm not like some people who go around dating guys like they change their underwear (read: praj). I mean love love, when you really give your heart to someone. But even then when some people have claimed to have given their heart to someone and they date for a long time and eventually break up, the people will be heartbroken but still eventually move on. :\

So maybe the concept i'm not getting is getting up again after being struck down.

And sometimes i wonder if i left so much as a mark on that vile creature's life. I highly doubt it, seeing as i'm more of riddance to him than loss. And i've accepted the fact that he thinks i don't exist... Though technically speaking that would be impossible because if i didn't exist he wouldn't remember me and if he wouldn't remember me he wouldn't remember what happened between us and if he doesn't remember what happened between us then he wouldn't be ignoring me now (ok cue for me to stop delving into stupid details right -_-)

Anyway, for these reasons:

1) I want to keep my feelings 'protected' from hurt
2) I want to concentrate on my studies and have no distractions
3) I am (possibly) still nursing a broken heart

I am going to stay out of love and the like for a while.

twisting beside myself @5:57 AM

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